An Open Letter To Spaniard's Bay

Dear Spaniard's Bay,

When I first read this article,

http://www.cbc.ca/beta/news/canada/newfoundland-labrador/porn-classroom-jeremy-hall-1.3413176


I was touched emotionally. It wasn't your pain I was feeling. It was my own pain. It was the emotions that were triggered by folks "circling a wagon" when they had no idea what was in the wagon. It was the emotion that comes when you hear people talk about a woman who "chuckled" when a different response may have been more appropriate.

The event has been triggering me all week. I had to write this note.

I've been in Brenda's shoes. It's a lonely place to be. I was a young woman who joined the army from rural NL, not far from where you are right now. I was full of idealistic expectation and appreciated the initiative that caused the army to come looking for me to diversify the force.

I had no idea about topics such as "threshold diversity" or "enabling behaviour" at that time. I just wanted to do this work and I wanted to have fun. I thought the fact that they "let me in the door" meant that I would be treated with respect.

Well it wasn't all fun. Not everyone was as excited to see me there as those recruiters were that day when they dangled the "non traditional woman" carrot. For the next 11 years, I faced many instances of discrimination and so have a lot of my sisters. I've also laughed when I could have cried and failed to speak out on occasion.

Fast forward 25 years and I enter a new arena where people like me aren't often found. Law School, the hallowed halls, where folks from my socio economic status seldom get an invitation let alone a legally blind single mom living on a disability pension.

I was once again excited to gain entrance in spite of, or because of being who I was. Again I found myself in a place that wasn't quite ready for me. There's this assumption at times that we're allowed into these places if we act a certain way. I was charged with Intellectual Dishonesty at Law School and that process was one that has had a lasting impact on me and those who know me.

We're always at risk when we are under represented in a dominant culture. We cannot educate ourselves in this stuff. I wouldn't even know about this had I not studied Women's Studies and Human Rights.

No one tells us how our own behaviours can be "enabling" at times. When answer the call, we are not always aware of what we do not know.  What I do know is this - the chances of us "under-represented minorities" harming the "dominant culture" as much as we stand to be harmed is slim to none. We're at risk when we are "the only one". Don't forget that in this case.

This stuff is called "systemic discrimination". You would be wise to keep your head and not act in haste. You would be wise when you see this set up - a lone woman facing a large body of men - to stand back and ask what else is at play here?

You have an opportunity here to take the high ground. You have a chance to open this up to the lens of diversity and inclusion. Call in people who know about this stuff and find a way to resolve the issue in a transparent manner.  You can't go back and undo what has been done but you can do better going forward. I like to say, when we know better we do better.

There's nothing as insidious as "unconscious bias" with the emphasis on the word "unconscious". There is so much we don't know about our behaviour. Now is a great time to learn - you don't need to reinvent the wheel.

If you want to redeem yourselves as a community, take the time to do this right for everyone's sake. Do it right for the little children who stood in support of the men at the rally and for the girls who may want to step into the non-traditional world. Do it right for the men who want a better world. Set the standard for zero tolerance for abuse and discrimination.

You gotta know....

The Gambler - a song by Kenny Rogers has a line that says "You gotta know when to hold up, know when to fold up, know when to walk away, know when to run."

As I was listening to this recently I was thinking how this wisdom applied not only to gambling, but also to women as they work toward a successful career in the trades. There will be times when using good judgement will require that you "know when to walk away, know when to run".

Knowing when to speak up, Knowing when to let it go, Knowing when you're wasting precious energy are all skills that will serve you well.

If you want to break it down a little further you will notice that you're only knowing "when".....

When is it time to go to the supervisor with a complaint about a co-worker for example? I would have to say that there should have been an attempt to solve the problem on your own first. Developing the skill to advocate for oneself has many benefits. It sends a message that you're strong. You don't need to be rescued. Imagine if everytime someone at work did something you didn't like, you went to your boss and complained. You'd get a reputation after a while. Even as children we were encouraged to solve our own problems at some point. It's good business.

But...there's always a limit. If you're tangling with someone who gets a joy out of irritating you then it may be time to crank it up. Let me give you a concrete example. I was walking through a worksite one day when a man made a very sexist comment to me. I turned to him and quietly and politely told him that I was offended by his remark. He laughed and then when I walked by again - he once again repeated the remark, obviously delighted by my discomfort. I walked over and asked him once again, a little firmer, to please not say it again. But he blatantly laughed out loud and said it again loud enough for others to hear. I informed him that if he didn't stop, I would have to go see the supervisor. He chuckled as I walked away.

The next time I walked past him, he repeated the remark in front of 8 co-workers. I didn't speak to him. I went to my supervisor and lodged a formal complaint. He was reprimanded and forced to apologize to me.

That's the only time I've ever had that kind of response from a man. I find people in general are very reasonable but you have to learn that there will be times when you are out of your comfort zone and at those times you have to "know when to walk away, know when to run". Do you know?

Picking Your Battles

There is nothing worse then being singled out at work for wisecracks or the brunt of jokes. This can be very cruel and intimidating behaviour.

There may be ways to prevent it or at least minimize it. First of all, I use the analogy of one hand clapping to demonstrate the role that is played by an enabler in some abusive situations.

Women need to learn to watch for the warning signs or red flags to this type of behaviour. Generally speaking, there is always an institutional bully lurking around for some vulnerable man or woman to make the next victim. If you are being singled out over and over, it might be worthwhile to learn to walk away from situations or to disengage in conversations that show signs of escalating. I'm not interested in victim blaming - but there are times when onlookers can see a trainwreck coming but choose not to speak. It's worth thinking about.

Forewarned is forearmed -