The Middle Passage - Answering the Call

It was one of those months where people show up in your life because the encounter is supposed to happen. Some may say it's hocus pocus but I happen to believe that there is so much about life we do not understand.

As a woman who has questioned her sanity a time or two, heard the call for change, took the leap and got a toehold on the other side, I love looking back to holler at the sisters and brothers who are faced with what James Hollis refers to as the middle passage. Change can be so frightening but the reality is, it can also be rather fantastic.

Here's a few tips I learned on the journey and we've only just begun:

1. Letting go is key. This time of flux can make us question our own sanity. Part of the reason is because we love to be in control of our lives and change is all about letting go. But we have to freefall a bit to get to that new place. Let go!
2. You will make new friends. There are benefits and burdens associated with all change. Not everyone will support your decision to change or like the new you. You will make new friends and your old friends will have their own transition. The ones that are important will be with you in the new life. This change is natural. You're not supposed to hold on so tight that you can't grow. So let go!!
3. You will amaze yourself. You can do so much more than you ever imagined. We grow across our lifespans. Once you stop fearing change and actually embrace it as a necessary part of life, your life will be amazing again. So let go!!!

No matter what put you in this situation, know this - only you can take you to the next level.

Who Gets the Love?

Sometimes discrimination in the workplace isn't as overt as mistreating you in a very open and obvious way. Sometimes, it’s a little more subtle. Sometimes it’s got to do with who gets the love.

We all mess up at times, wouldn't you agree? If you’re really part of the inner circle, you can mess up and people help you out. They circle the wagons, so to speak, and treat you like a human being. Understand one thing: we all make mistakes in life. If you’re part of the 'in group', you’ll be forgiven and move beyond those mistakes.

When you’re not quite an insider yet and you make a mistake, well that is a horse of a different colour. In closed cultures, the rules are a little different. You’re more likely to be thrown under the bus when you mess up. That, my friends, is a more subtle form of discrimination. I could care less what the policies are. Failing to act is painful and hurtful and downright wrong. Inclusion is when you provide the same treatment to Jane as you would for Joe. Know what I’m saying? No brainer.

So, in your workplace, who gets the love?

Are You Snagged in Your Own Safety Net?

Is it time to take that leap? Leave a full time, secure job or make enough money to put your disability pension in jeopardy? Those are tough choices. I’ve made at least one of them and coached others who have made both. For me it’s a no brainer, it’s the choice between living and shrivelling up and perishing. It’s as simple as that.

“But Debbie, you don’t understand, I may put my livelihood in jeopardy and we may not be able to enjoy the lifestyle we have.” That’s very true. Find a quiet place and be honest with yourself. Are you happy with the status quo? ‘Nuf said. You know what to do.

There are no guarantees in life. Risk takes guts. We all get to that chasm in life where we either jump or turn back. A devil you know or one you don’t? That’s a toughie.

What Kind of Woman do You need to Become?

Goals take work. That’s not news to you. You write it down. You set the intention. You take steps to make it happen. You fall off the wagon. You start again. You know the drill. Goals are not for the faint of heart.

The game changer for me came when I learned to ask myself this one question:  “What kind of woman do I want to become to achieve this goal?”

Check out this example. 2015 is the year of “strong body” for me. I have a goal that sees me changing my lifestyle resulting in a more active, slimmer and conscientious person when it comes to the benefits of good health. I’m not that woman yet.

I know the art of goal achievement - after all I make a living helping people achieve goals. I understand that goals take a lot of courage and determination.

The kind of person that I need to be to achieve this health and fitness goal is one with the courage to change. I have to be the kind of person who says no to a sale on chocolate cakes at the grocery store. I have to be a woman who jumps out of bed and into sneakers. I also have to be a woman who speaks a truth. Those chicken wings and nachos will not cut it if I am really committed to becoming a strong me.

I’m not that kind of woman yet. That’s the cold hard truth. But I will become that woman. I will gently morph into the type of person who is able to achieve that goal. It won’t be easy but a goal worth having is not one that is simple.

Have a look back at your goals and ask yourself the tough question: “What kind of woman do you need to become to achieve that goal?”

Get out there and get ‘er done.

photo by Sangudo / Flickr

Eeyore and Tigger

Life is a series of ups and downs – no one stays in the same place forever. It’s been that way for me and for most of the people around me. We don’t have much control over what happens to us – but we do have control over how we respond.

There has been a lot written and said about the Law of Attraction in recent years. We are taught that in order to achieve a better life, we need to focus on where we want to go as opposed to focusing on where we are at present. When I think of this requirement, I’m immediately reminded of my favourite show as a child Winnie the Pooh. Eeyore and Tigger were two characters that I feel clearly demonstrated the law.
Eeyore always had his head hung down and was forever focused on the negative in life and anyone who spent too much time around him would surely come away feeling a little deflated and uninspired. Tigger, on the other hand, bounced through life, filled with optimism and even as I think about him bouncing around the set, I feel my spirits lifting.

Are you an Eeyore or a Tigger – I’ve been both at different times in my life and I’ve learned a few lessons along the way. First of all, for most of us, we have a choice as to which one we’re going to be. I respect that there are people who have legitimate illnesses which prevent them from controlling their thoughts. For the majority of us, we have the ability to choose at any given moment to act like Eeyore or to act like Tigger.

I have also learned that these states are contagious and when we are around Eeyores or Tiggers, their conditions rub off on us. So we must then choose carefully who we come in contact with – if we want to remain positive it is wise to surround ourselves with people who will allow us to be optimistic.

When I am able, I choose to be Tigger because we attract that which we focus on. If we are positive and uplifting, we attract that into our lives. The reverse is also true, when we are not positive, we will attract the same to us. I don’t need a professional to tell me that this is true – I have tested the theory myself. When I am Eeyore, my life is more miserable. When I am Tigger – even the dullest day looks brighter. Others around me are also impacted by my mood – so I do the math – and choose, when I can, to be Tiggerlike.

Are you a Tigger or an Eeyore?

Perfectionism

Some people believe that in order to be a great leader, it is necessary to be perfect. The reality is that great leaders aren't perfect, they have probably fallen a time or two. In all likelihood, a great leader will have made mistakes along the way, learned from them and then extracted lessons to pass on to others.

I would much sooner follow a leader who has fallen and got back up than a leader that has never fallen. The reason is obviour; a leader who gets back up has to have learned valuable lessons in the low point of life and very obviously put those lessons to good use if he/she is now on the leadership track. They are probably able to go on and inspire others to overcome their own obstacles in life because they have been there. People in positions of authority who have never made mistakes seem a bit super human and face challenges gaining respect because of it.

In the military, there was a lot of respect for officers that had worked their way up through the ranks to become commissioned officers. The other route that was available was to get a university degree and then become an officer, never having been where the rubber hits the road. These officers had a much more difficult time gaining the respect of the troops because they were not considered to be tried and true and also because they were not "one of us". As soldiers we trusted those who had been where we were, understood the challenges and could offer sound advice based on experience. Those who had taken the other route to leadership had a more difficult challenge.

The lesson is this - it's not the mistakes that will hurt you, it is the failure to make them and learn from them that will do more harm.

Accountability Partners

If you have ever tried to change something about your life, you know that it is tough. It's possible to change but it is a challenge. This is the way that it usually plays out. You'll make up your mind that next time you're going to do things differently. Your logical voice can even articulate all the wonderful reasons why it is a good idea to change this particular thing. You'll have a plan of action supported by conviction and you know for certain that things are going to be different next time.

Then!!! You start to waiver. You hear another little voice saying, "Well it's not that bad." "Better a devil you know then one you don't know." and it goes on from there. Before you know it you're falling back into old patterns of behaviour. I know it to be true because I've been there and I've met others on the journey with the same story.

What I enjoy about awareness is that if we know this pattern, we can put a plan in place to deal with it. I have adopted the practise of working with an accountability partner when I want to change a behaviour. At one time I thought I'd team up with someone who needed to change in the same way that I did. But that didn't work because what happened is that not only would I talk myself out of my plan of action, my peer supporter would help me to justify not changing.

Now I've figured out that my accountability partner will have to be someone who is solidly situated where they are. I articulate what it is that I need from them with regards to checking in. We have a contract of sorts at the beginning to say that this is how much freedom I'm giving the other person to help me to change. It works extremely well and the key is that it has to be someone you trust.

When you start to hear your destructive voice telling you that things aren't that bad or that the status quo is OK, you know intuitively that this is not beneficial to think this way. At this point, you check in with your accountability partner and through chatting, you once again find the resolve to stay the course. When you give voice to your concerns, it has a very positive effect. It reminds you what you are now committed to and calls attention to the destructive voice.

I believe that with an accountability partner, our chances of succeeding in change are greatly increased. Change is still difficult, you still have to do all the work, but getting the help you need to stay on track speaks to commitment and courage. You can do it.

Creating the Life You Want

People around me who have known me a long time know that there were times when I I have been stuck. There was a time when I could not have imagined a rich life in spite of vision loss. This is not a blog about vision loss although I should do that one later on.

It's a blog about the necessity of changing the way you think. If you think you can't you probably won't -

Glass half full/glass half empty

These analogies make perfect sense when we get to the other side. I recall when my glass was half empty and it was in direct relation to the direction of my thinking. I felt sorry for myself and these were the thoughts that consumed me:

- I can't drive anymore and life is worth nothing if I can't drive
- How will I ever raise a healthy child without a vehicle
- I'm going blind and won't ever do anything again
- I'll never be able to make a living or have a career

Contrast that with my present reality

- I have a 16 year old daughter that would make many parents proud, she will get her lisence this year
- I have written 2 books, one will be self published this month and the other is at a traditional publisher
- I have a business, a five year marketing plan and all the supports I need to succeed and this will ensure that I can support myself later in life, after all I will be blind and I want to live comfortably in my old age
-I'm a mentor for others now who have trouble moving beyond obstacles in life
-I now know that my life is blessed not because of vision loss and all the affiliated losses, but in spite of

That's quite a switcheroo and people ask me "What happened?" Well my thinking changed that's all. Oh it took a lot of work and I needed help and support in different places. Sometimes when you're advocating for yourself all that you're capable of is reaching out for help. I had lots of wonderful support to lean on. I went through the stages of grief for certain - but in an ad hoc kind of way. The nice part about acceptance is that it frees up a lot of creative energy. Lately I'm learning about taking the creative process to the next level.

We build on success. Achieving does that - it helps you to believe in your ability and the only thing that you can say then is "Watch Out"

I think everyone has the ability to do the same as I have done but many people choose not to.