The Toxic Boss

What a difference it makes when you work for a boss who has your back. When I was a young mechanic in the army, I had the good fortune to work for a man who became the benchmark for other supervisors. Vic was not only fair, he was a gentleman, and he had a zero tolerance policy when it came to allowing anyone to bully the women. In the early 80s, there weren’t very many of us women in non-traditional trades in the army. They say the first one through the wall is usually the bloodiest and the truth was that we had a tough time in many areas. Vic had a way of dealing with people who broke the rules that let you know that you were going to be just fine. I was blessed to work for this man.

Because of this early experience, I was a little shocked when, later on, I had a boss that didn’t quite measure up. I worked for a man who was scared to confront a bully and was so two-faced that he had no one’s back except his own. What a difference it makes when you’re looked after in the work place. You can go to work, do your job and thrive. This new situation made it a chore to go to work and really impacted morale in the workplace.

When no one has your back, you need to develop some pretty amazing survival skills. With a weak boss, you’re on your own to protect yourself against bullies and people who like to abuse you. If my first encounter had been with this terrible supervisor, I would not have remained in the trade long enough to become a journeyman.

Vic ended up in a leadership role because he was not only a great technician, but he had great leadership skills. Unfortunately this is not always the case. There are all kinds of bosses out there with terrible skills when it comes to managing people. I hope you end up with the best and, if you don’t, learn some survival skills.

Good bosses:

• Stand up for you
• Set standards in the workplace that prohibit abuse

photo by Lottery Monkey/Flickr

Suspenders: You'll be Needin’ Them Now

If you intend to achieve results in your life, you have to gain control of your mind. During a recent workshop, I was passionately sharing with the class how important it is to suspend your disbelief when it comes to achieving goals. When the class was over, a student who had been sitting quietly at the back of the class made her way to the front. She wanted to know more about this concept of suspending disbelief. Actually she thought it wouldn't really work for her because no matter what she believed, she didn't have the resources right now to accomplish big change.

I loved where this conversation was heading. Achieving goals may require more resources, but the first ingredient is the right mindset. The resources will come. Dare to dream in technicolour and add a pinch of emotion and... voila!!! That is the recipe.

“So, that’s it?” she asked. I thought for a minute and, even though the explanation was a little oversimplified, the truth was that beliefs aren't the only things that need to be suspended. In a 'crabs in a bucket' society, it is often essential that you suspend your contact with some of those friends who work hard to undermine you at every turn. Those naysayers who will speak as loud as the little voice in your head to ensure that you never get ahead.

The mind is a powerful tool when it comes to accomplishing anything in life. For a while it got out of control with my 'poor me' and not being able to focus. I had to train my mind to dream a new dream and it is tough when your reality is not one that inspires hope.

So, suspend your disbelief for a second and dream a big dream. Surround yourself with folks who support you. Make sure there is alignment between your actions and your dreams. Once you develop the right mindset, you will see it as a tool you will use in all areas of your personal and professional life. Change your mind first and then your life will begin to change.

photo by Rrrrred / Flickr

Women make great apprentices, but...

“Pass that wrench to me, Debbie,” my father yelled down as I assisted him when he was repairing the furnace one day. It feels like I started my apprenticeship when I was four!! Truth be told, when girls are raised in families with tradespeople, it is not uncommon for them to learn the language of the industry just by being around it all the time.

The careers we chose (me a mechanic, and my sister and niece cement finishing) were quite natural for us. Women make awesome apprentices, but to become a journeyman, we have to have more than the hours in trade or a slip of paper. To become a functional journeyman, we have to challenge our internal belief systems.

Even after I received my qualification as a certified mechanic, I was quite content to be an apprentice during the work day. After all, it was safe to keep things going as they were. No sense ruffling feathers. The guys didn't mind having us around as much as they resented those women who looked arrogant to us. It wasn't until later that I realized that those women weren't arrogant at all. They were confident in what they did. I wanted to be just like them.

The defining moment for me was when I took the lead on some of those jobs, which was a huge risk - the risk of failure in front of folks who sometimes wanted us to fail. It meant stepping away from the women in our lives who were challenged by non-traditional women. It was a lonely place to be at times. Not quite belonging to the brotherhood, and having less and less in common with the sisterhood.

Where are you in the journey? Have you made that psychological shift yet? That's the real journey for us. Oh, the fun of it all.

2015 – Work the Plan

When you look back at the past year, what did you notice. Did things work out the way you had planned? What do you mean, you didn’t have a plan? That’s no way to live, make a plan and work the plan for a fantastic year.

Find a quiet corner and close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Let’s go.

Imagine that it is December 2015 and you’re looking back over the year ahead. Bear with me, this stuff works.

What have you achieved in 2015? Struggling to put yourself in this place – it gets easier to suspend your disbelief but don’t leave me yet. Take a deep breath. Imagine you’re responding to the question – “What kind of year did you have?”

Phrase your responses in the affirmative. Use examples below as template….

“My body is strong and getting stronger every day.”

“I have a beautiful partner in my life and we cherish one another.”

M gross revenue in my business is (fill in the blank).”

Now glorify in the feeling for a bit longer. How does it feel to have accomplished so much. Come on back to the present again. What do you need to do to achieve those goals? Make a plan and work the plan – simple isn’t it?

My First Business Coach – My Father

Long before terms like business coach, networking, pipelines and sales cycles were trendy, my father considered himself the go to guy for anything hobby farm related. He was a horse trader and my mother would swear that he would trade her if he got the right money. My father had all of the natural networking skill needed to be a successful business man. It was closing the deal that was a challenge for him. He would work a room, loved helping others and with just a rotary dial phone, he was The Connector Guy. When people needed something related to an animal, their first question would be “Did you call Randell?” My father knew the value of networking.

THE ART OF NETWORKING

This week I attended a couple of networking events and I couldn’t help but think of him. I watched people who were seasoned networkers and others who were just beginning and I wondered what he would tell anyone who asked how to do it.  As a teacher of business process, we often reverse engineer a task to see what the component parts are. I look at my father to see what that was. He would walk into a room and walk right up to a person he didn’t know and introduce  himself. He had the confidence to do that because he loved his people and he knew it was going to be fun. He would tell a story, make them laugh and set up a time to meet again. When we would get outside my father would pull a pencil from behind his ear and ask me to write a number down. Horse men don’t have business cards.

CONNECTING AFTERWARD

As a connector guy, he provided value add first. He always helped people find the people they needed to connect with. My father would be on the phone most evenings and we would hear him say “I’ll tell you why I’m phoning you. I got a fella needs a ……”  I know he’d tell you to help someone get what they need and the sale will come. I meet so many people who try and sell in that first introduction.

PUT ON A HAPPY FACE

Nobody likes a stick in the mud. We would rather buy from someone who will also give us a light dusting of humour with our sale. My father always made people laugh. It makes people feel good and we remember people who make us feel good. We do business with folks we know and trust.

FOLLOW UP

I can hear my father say “I must give buddy a call.” I’d ask “What for?” My father didn’t need a reason. People loved hearing from him and talking about what they had in common. In the conversation he would be planting seeds about this and that. It wasn’t awkward, the conversation naturally went that way. My father would tell me not to push too hard too early.

Last night I read the poem to him called  “The Race”. We both enjoy it and it’s about getting up again after a fall. Don’t worry about getting it right the first time, get up and try again if it is a flop the first time.

“You’re never going to get good at it if you give up.” Happy Networking.

3 Steps to Getting Over Frustration and On with Business

Don’t quit – frustration is a call to action.

Are you frustrated and ready to throw in the towel? I’ve been there and I’m glad that you’re here reading this. One day I am  sitting here with a friend and I am pissed. I’d worked my ass off to get where I was and where I was wasn’t all that great a place. No sales, can’t pay the bills – one failed attempt after another.

I QUIT

After a long rant I said “I quit. I was never meant to be in business. No one wants what I’m selling. I’m not cut out for this. I’m done!! Yes they were strong words but they were even stronger if you know the context. I was living on a disability pension. I am legally blind and even if I was not disabled, finding a job at my age is a challenge. Giving up was the equivalent of saying “I’ll just live on my disability pension for the next 30 years or so.” I was frustrated.

DON’T MINCE WORDS

My good friend Peter was great at not mincing words. He said “Debbie, listen to yourself. You’re not a quitter. You haven’t invested all of this energy to quit. Frustration is a call to action.”

He was right and it was just what I needed at the time. I licked my wounds and took a good hard look at myself. I am now headed down a new road but not before I learned a few lessons. If you are frustrated, here is what I would suggest:

TAKE 3 NOT SO EASY STEPS

1. Take a break and take an inventory of what you can do. You’ve got a lot of great skills that got you into business in the first place. Maybe you need a couple of new skills to get you to the next level.

2. Seek out help if you need it. Have you really humbled yourself or are you pissed because it is not coming easier to you?  I needed a coach to get me through this one.  Skills you need in business have nothing to do with selling the features of your product. It’s about learning to market.

3. Get a Peter in your life. Loads of people will tell you what you’re doing right. Most people won’t be honest. But a true friend will give you the goods. I’m grateful that Peter made me mad enough to get help that day. Find someone who will give you that kind of support.

Debbie describes herself as a resultant entrepreneur who is having the time of her life.

Budgets in 5 Simple Steps

Like most lessons I have learned tendency to wait for hard knocks before I get it. Not always the best choice, but it is what it is.  When I went bankrupt, I forced myself to learn how to budget. There was no way I was ending up back in that place again. Might I assume that you’re reading this because it is your time. Welcome aboard – you’re in great company.

In my program on financial literacy called The Buck Stops Here, I teach many new skills. We usually wind up needing these skills because somewhere along the way we missed that class on financial savvy. Maybe there was no class. I’ve only ever known borrowing from Peter to pay Paul and then hitting up Matthew and Mark. It only works for so long.  If you’re still reading, the good news is that you’re about to change all that.

People fail at diets and budgets because they take on too much all at once. I suggest a gentle approach. But hey, it’s your life.

TRACK SPENDING

Track your spending  for a minimum of three months to get a real sense of what your spending habits are. Where are you leaking valuable money? Tracking is like slowly pulling your head out of the sand. It gives you a lazer sharp focus on where the dough is going.

Own it. It’s your life and you need to take responsibility for it if you want to make changes. When you have had a chance to digest it, you’re ready for the next step.

OPEN THE BILLS

In this day and age, many of our bills are taken directly from our bank account. How many of your bills are stacked in a pile unopened? Take inventory of you must pay out each month. Print off a statement of each bill and don’t miss any. Stick them in a binder – let’s call it the budget binder. Don’t miss any – gym membership, car insurance, line of credit, student loan payment, etc.

WHAT IS COMING IN

How much money do you have coming in during the month? Many folks have a steady income – job security and they can count on the same money from week to week or month to month. Fixed income is easier to budget. Entrepreneurs have a different reality as you know. But you can still budget. What do you have coming in each month?

GET THE CALENDAR

Take your calendar and a black marker. Put the income in on the dates that you will receive it. Now take your red marker and enter the bill payments on the date that they are coming out of the account.

Don’t stop there – remember the tracking that you were doing. Look at the miscellaneous spending that went on. Put those numbers in if they are realistic.

No one is watching you. Don’t try and make a budget of what you should spend. Make it real – what will you spend your money on this month? If you are in deficit, you are in deficit. You can’t change all of the bad habits in one day. Give yourself a break. Have a long hard look and again, own the budget. It’s yours and as scary as it is, it is real.

We are all done sweeping things under the rug.

MONTH END EVALUATION

At the end of the month you pull it all out again. Because you have continued the practice of tracking your spending, you can now enter the actual numbers. You may do this periodically throughout the month. Either way, it’s all there in black and red. How did you make out? Were there any surprises? Do you need to make a change or two. It is up to you where you go from here. Do you need to take a second job?

It is your choice after all The Buck Stops Here.

A Bowl of Coffee Anyone? Staying motivated when the arse falls out of her.

Anyone who has been in business for a while knows that it is not for the feint of heart. Truth is it toughens you and teaches you how to be creative when it comes to problem solving. In order to be successful in business I believe that you also have to have a hunger to succeed, a real determination to get the job done. You’ve got to have a willingness to figure it out. Once you have it, nothing can stand in your way not even when things go wrong in the kitchen.

There’s a Hole in my Bucket

As I started to fill the pot with fresh water, I noticed it pouring right out the bottom – the arse had fallen out of her. No pot,no coffee. Now anyone who knows me knows that I have to have a morning coffee. I’ve  walked 8 miles in my jammers uphill in a snowstorm to get a cup of Tims. Lately I’d taken to brewing my own because it was too far to walk and I don’t drive.

We had a class A crisis on our hands. I tried shoving a mug under there to catch the coffee but the mug was too big and it was a bit tricky. The original lid on the pot actually sat against a mechanism that opened a valve where the coffee flowed out. My mug was not cutting it. After a few choice words, I decided that I’d have a tea. Truth be told, I didn’t want tea – I wanted coffee and I was hellbent on getting one.

What Have You Tried

In business when we hit a roadblock we need to get creative but only if you’re hellbent on getting it done. If you’re certain that you are going in the right direction, you won’t let obstacles stand in your way.  Will you? Just because you got turned down for that loan or grant, are you going to take that as a reason to quit or are you going to kick the creativity into high gear. It really is your choice.

I get clients who are ready to throw in the towel and when they tell me how big the obstacle is I do ask what they have tried. They pay me to help them make good decisions.  What about you – what do you do when faced with an obstacle. Have you really tried everything? Really? Really?

Get ‘er Done

I looked at that coffee maker and thought about my father – he taught me how to figger things out – he was a hardy Newfoundlander – a cross between Red Green and MacGyver. If he was here, he would size it up for a minute and then he’s say “Hang on now Debbie, I’ll show you how to fix that.”

My father knew what most business people know, there is more than one way to get the job done. Sometimes you have to be creative. Inspired by my father, I got up and got a little bowl and placed it where the pot should be. I then got a spoon and pushed up on that little valve and what do you think happened? You got that right – that coffee was flowing into the bowl, nice and hot and with a rich aroma. I was a happy camper.

You’ll be Tested

In business, like in life, you’ll be tested. Sometimes the test will really be a test of your commitment. If you’re walking away every time you have a challenge, you may not be in the right career. If you have a hunger, the right determination and a willingness to get creative, you will get the job done.

A bowl of coffee anyone?

The Buck Stops Here

No Avoiding It

No matter how hard I tried, I could not avoid bankruptcy. I thought I was doing it all right. Anyone who knows me well knows that I pride myself on being good with money.  No matter how good we are at managing money, when life shows up with a ripple, even the best of us can get derailed.

Double Edged Sword

Bankruptcy was tough – it took a toll on my self-esteem when the arse fell out of her. I thought I was down for the count. Bankruptcy was also the best gift I was ever given. Yes it was a tool that helped me to start over. But for me it was more than that. There was no way I was ending up back in this place again. I needed to take a long hard look at what it was that I could do to ensure that this didn’t happen. I had lessons to learn and I was like a sponge when it came to finding out what would work.

Track Spending

You don’t know where you need to trim if you don’t know where you’re spending. The first step for me was to track my spending. It took some time to get into the swing of things but I did it. Tracking alone wasn’t enough. Now that I knew were every penny was going, I sat there and asked “Where do I want it to go?”

Time for Reflection

You don’t lose it all and remain the same person. You only get lost in keeping up with the Jones one time and you learn a lesson. Now that you know where the money is going, you have to ask, where do you want it to go. What do you want the future to bring? I know that my values and needs had changed in the process.

I took the time to do my homework. The only thing that I ever knew about money was that if you get it you spend it. That’s what got me into this mess in the first place. Taking time to reflect helped me to make some good decisions. There is so much you can do when you have sound financial advice and you take a bit of time to make good decisions.

I think that life gives us the lessons we need to learn and when it comes to money, you have a choice. Learn it now or learn it next time around. For me, I decided to get off the Merry Go Round and take charge of my spending. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about making better decisions one day at a time.

They will think I’m nuts!!! When is it time to get new friends?

Are you a person who dreams big dreams? Are you working your butt off to make that dream a reality? Do you worry about what your friends will think of you if they knew what you spend your time pondering about and working on?

Here’s the deal. If you have done your homework and you’re thinking to yourself, I can pull this off. If you have designed a plan that looks like it could produce the results you need and you’re working that plan. If you have the energy that it takes to make big change in your life, it may be time to get new friends. Some people just think small and you don’t need those people in your corner right now.

You need to seek out “like minded” folks. Entrepreneurs are thinkers and they try are always taking risk. I’m an entrepreneur – I used to have a person in my life who would comment “you’re all over the place.” The reality was, if you are going to get big things off the ground, you will need to be all over the place. If you have to learn to network well, you need to be all over the place. If you are going to try and find a niche that feeds your soul, you will be all over the place. That person is no longer in my life. It was time to end a non-supportive friendship.

Get new friends, dream big and live the life your soul is screaming out to.

Out with Resolutions and in with Goal Setting

Resolutions – the first of the year is fast approaching and I’m taking a different approach this year. When we start out with a plan, we have to deal with the reality on the ground. I’m disciplined and I know how to design a plan but when it comes to certain areas, like health, I’m great at ignoring the plan.

I’ve made resolutions only to abandon them before we even get into week two of the new beginning. This year, I’m making a complex plan and I’m going to work the plan. I’ve got a burning desire, a plan in hand and an accountability partner. Here’s to new beginnings.

USE COMMON SENSE WHEN SETTING GOALS

I set a goal in each area where I want to make a change including areas such as health, relationships, finances, etc. There are all kind of formulas that go along with the acronym SMART but I ignore all of that because I use a bit of common sense instead. It has to be something  I can work up to accomplishing considering my own tendencies, quirks and foibles. I set goals that can work for me if I do the work. This year, health is a high priority. I’m a woman of a certain age and I knock on wood that I’ve gotten this far without any health concerns but carrying extra weight puts me at risk.

GOAL, SUB-GOAL, CHECK POINTS

My goal is sensible and one that I can reach in a year. I’ve given me lots of wiggle room to enjoy the good life but a goal worth striving to reach. I map out the year with sub-goals and check points. I don’t want to measure my success 12 months from now. I may need to tweak the plan along the way and deal with contingencies.

I have a big desk calendar and I’ve written in the special occasions that I know about so that I know where the pitfalls are and I’ll develop strategies along the way to deal with them.

Success for me will be measured by lifestyle change and with that comes weight loss and general overall well being.

NUTRITION AND FITNESS IN DISGUISE

I may need a little nutrition information so I’ve made a plan to get that. I’ll shift my daily eating patterns and I’ll read stories about what has worked for others. Education is key in change and I’m good at doing research.

When I reach milestones, I plan to celebrate them. They may not always be at the scale. Maybe it will be a full week of eating breakfast or maybe I’ll celebrate when I’ve exercised for 4 weeks in a row.  Celebrating success is important and being grateful is always beneficial.

Let’s play word association. When I say fitness, you think……gym. I am not a gym person. I am a person who enjoys fitness in disguise. My friend mentioned tobogganing this morning and I got real excited. I love the rush of racing down the hill and the the social aspect and look at that….you get your heart rate racing and the fun produces endorphins – now that’s fitness in my books.

NOT WRITTEN, NOT REAL

Mind mapping and tracking are two tools that are key to success in any area. I’ll track my eating and my goals and I’ll use creativity with crayons and whatever works to get it down on paper. It’s all about remaining motivated and committed. Get the paper out and make it work for your style.

PHONE A FRIEND

I need an accountability partner. I also know who it is going to be – she knows that I’m persuasive and she’s not afraid to give me the goods. She can talk me down form that mountain of mint pistachio that I’m about to consume or maybe that I have already consumed.

My partner never tries to make me feel guilty – she knows I want this and I’ve given her permission to speak to me in a way that works for me. She always reminds me that I make the decisions and I have to be able to live with them.

I’m a great planner, list maker and I logically know what I need to do. I’m also very good at telling others what to do. In the past, I’ve not been great at working the plan but this is a new dawn of a new day and I’m getting back on the wagon. Wish me luck.

What will they think?

Have you ever heard a little voice inside your head say “Who do you think you are?” or better yet “What makes you think anyone would want to listen to what you had to say?” Well I have to say that more than once in my life I have held myself back because I wondered what they would all think.

I have no idea who the “they” are that I might be worried about. There is no group in particular but there is that resistance. I have learned to push through it and take responsibility for what happens. Lately I’ve been listening to people like Seth Godin speaking about waiting for someone’s permission. There really is no need to – we’re at a time where there is room enough for all of us to be creative.

This is what I’ve decided – I’m going to do whatever it is that I plan on doing and I’m going to do the best I can. If my best is not good enough or if I fall flat on my face, I will learn from that. In spite of that I’ll probably try again. I’m no stranger to failure – the only people who are strangers to failure are the people who did not take risk at all.

Who do I think I am? Well, I’m someone who loves to learn and try new things. I like to give the world a piece of my mind lately and I love to have fun. That’s it and in spite of not being anyone famous or special, I’m going to take risk. I’m going to speak at the conference and I’m going to try new things. What about you? Ready to get out there and maybe fall flat on your face. Who cares what they might think?

5 Steps to Effectively Ask for What you Want

1. Decide what you are asking for. Know what your problem is and ask for a specific thing. Don’t be ambiguous. If your car is broken and you need $300.00 to get it fixed – ask for that amount. If you need to speak to the bank about missing a mortgage payment, ask for that. Don’t pussy foot around.

2. Ask the right person. Don’t get in the habit of assuming that someone will help. Ask the person who not only has the means but who is most likely to help you out. If you think that your brother ought to help you out but he never has been that helpful, don’t put yourself through the grief of asking. Ask a reasonable person who has the means and is likely to say yes to a request. It is also best to ask the person who has he authority to make the decision.

3. Be open to alternative suggestions. There is more than one way to solve a problem. Don’t let stubbornness get in the way of a solution that will work. If you ask a friend to pay for car repairs, he may suggest that you use a friend of his. Maybe a mechanic friend owes him a favour – be open to an alternative solution.

4. Ask again. Maybe the alternative suggestion won’t work. Maybe his buddy can’t fix the car until Wednesday but you have to drive your child to a volleyball tournament on Tuesday. If the original request is the best one, be clear about that. Explain your concern and clearly ask again.

5. Close the deal. It is tough to ask for help but if you are taking this tough step, you need a clear response. Maybe will not get your out of your jam. Don’t ask an open ended question. Be clear in the final closing question. Will you help me out? Yes/No. Get the details of how it will unfold. Will we run to the bank now? Can you write me a check? What time will I drop the car off? Don’t leave these details hanging and do not walk away from the conversation without a clear response. It may be a “big ask” in which case the person may have to consult with another person. In this case, ask to set up a time to meet again for the final approval. Don’t leave the ball in their court.

It can be tough to ask for a favour from someone but if you have found the courage to ask, do it well.

Diversify

It has  been an exciting couple of weeks. Entrepreneurs are accustomed to the ups and downs of business. It can be feast or famine – which is why diversifying is often a good thing.  I was asked by a friend in the tax business to teach a couple of classes. As an adult educator, designing productive and interactive programming is exciting regardless of what the topic. I welcomed the opportunity to teach outside of my area of expertise. Taxes are intriguing, thought provoking and intellectually challenging. My kind of topic. I haven’t felt this engaged  with a subject since I was at Law School. I welcomed the chance to learn and grow.

Training went well but little did I know that it was the beginning of a fun time together. After the training was done, he made me an offer that I could not refuse. He wanted to set up shop in a new location and wanted me to help manage the store. I jumped at the opportunity and accepted his offer on the spot. I could see a learning curve on the horizon and I welcomed it.

This past week we opened the TAXMAN’s newest location at 556 Sackville. Yours truly will be found there most days helping people navigate the murky waters of tax preparation.

What I have learned is that it isn’t necessary to have all of the answers to try something new. We just have to have the desire to give it our best and the things we need will show up. I’ve learned amazing lessons even in this short period that will benefit me in my business. Negotiating a lease, hiring contractors and marketing are just a few of the skills I’ve acquired.

I’ve had a great mentor and teacher whose calm support helped me along the way. Next time you’re given a chance to try something new, jump at the chance and you’ll surprise yourself.

Do Something!! It’s Your Happiness...

Getting stuck is a natural part of life. Getting unstuck can be difficult especially when we don’t know what change might bring. Maintaining the status quo seems to often be a better option than jumping into the unknown. But is living a miserable life a better option? I don’t think so.  Having been on both sides of the fence, I’d choose living to coasting any day.

Tell me more, you say. Well in order for things to be different in your life, you’re going to have to do something different. You can’t do the same old thing and expect a different result. You need a new variable. Some of us are ok with taking major steps but I suggest starting small and building on that success. Once you survive a small change, you may amaze yourself. Control may not be front and centre in your mind – happiness can take priority.

Take Jane for example. Jane was tired of her job and really didn’t enjoy her neighborhood. She sometimes allowed herself to dream but then she worried about where the money would come from, what would her family say and how could she start over. Instead of taking a step toward change,  she did what we all do. She told herself a lie.

“Things aren’t that bad. There are people worse off than I am. Life is hard. I’ve got it pretty good. She may have convinced herself but she did not convince anyone around her. Jane started to wonder why people were avoiding her. No one called her to go out and she would often hear of a get together after it had taken place.

If you asked her friends their side of things, they would tell you that Jane was painful to be around. She was miserable and she was making everyone else miserable. Jane was a wet rag – given an opportunity to rain on someones parade, she would do it. She found it difficult to share in someone else’ joy because she was so miserable herself.

We’ve all been Jane at one time or another. Think about what got you out of the Jane mode?  For me it took shaking things up a bit. It meant kicking myself in the butt and going out on a limb. It meant taking risk.

Going out on a limb can mean different things to different people. For some it may mean joining an organization or moving to a new department at work. For others, it could be quitting your dead end job and moving halfway around the world. Yes, you may upset the apple cart and people around you may not support your change. But once you take charge of your life and start doing more of what you love, you’ll grow.

This advice isn’t for the naysayer who has no desire or courage to change. This note is for you – if you’ve ever looked at your life with boredom or wanted more than what you have. Take the wheel. You don’t get to control the road but you are the driver.  Where are you driving today?

Dare to Grow

“When the student is ready, the teacher will come.” There  have been times in each of our lives when we feel frustrated because things are not unfolding at the pace that we want them to. I have always been a “ducks in a row” kind of gal. I probably put a little too much emphasis on being safe and secure before I step out on a limb. But life has a way of delivering to me the kind of lessons that I have needed, not the ones that I have chosen.  I have learned to welcome each day because I know that the learning even in the crappiest of situations is invaluable and necessary.

What I know to be true, and wish I known known earlier, is that things are going to work out just fine. We grow to fit the  environment that we find ourselves in. No matter what circumstances I find myself in, the resources that I need to survive happen to appear when I need them. Ain’t it amazing?  So with this new found wisdom, I am able to take calculated risk earlier. I have yet to let me down. Even in those times when things were terrible. I always harken back to the nightmare of law school when I think of this – there is learning in this situation. I never thought I’d say that but the traumatic ending of law school ended up being the catalyst for greatest change. I survived that.

So to women who are ambitious and who want more from life, my advice is this  - don’t focus on what can go wrong because even when things go wrong, life will deliver the tools that you need to make them right. Look at the times that you stepped up and impressed yourself. Keep a log of those things nearby to remind yourself because we all like to have a pity party on occasion.  Take a minute today to see that you have the tools and the skills to take that next step. Dare to grow.

Transitions – Surrender to the Process

Transitions are tough – whether it is in your business or in your personal life. We all say that we want change but let’s face it, we hate to do the work. The pain of transition is essential to normal growth and development. There are so many benefits, not only from a learning perspective but it’s nice to keep yourself interesting by trying new things on occasion.

Sometimes we choose to change and at other times change is imposed upon us. Neither of these are easy  but the more control that we have over the change, the easier the change may be. In my experience, I have found that being in control of our own lives is something we all strive for. That is why when change is imposed upon us – it is so traumatic. When my vision failed and I was kicked out of the military, I had no control over any of that process. I was tossed around like a small boat in a large storm. It was a shocking reality to have to wake up and realize that the old way of doing things were over. I had no real choice but to move on. It was not an easy transition.

Not all change is so traumatic. There are the times when we have lots of time to prepare. Does this make a difference? I had nine months to prepare for the birth of my daughter. There were no surprises there. I was prepared for the arrival – but was I really prepared? Even this most welcome change that I had lots of time to prepare for had built in challenges.

There are three stages to change. An ending, a period of uncertainty and a new beginning. These same phases were present in the loss of a career and they were present with the birth of my daughter. Yes, no matter whether the change is imposed on us or we choose to change, the process is the same.

My daughter was a welcome joy in my life but there were many endings also. My time being my own, the ability to say yes to an invitation without worrying about whether I had a sitter or the end of being totally selfish about when I woke up. The period of uncertainty was the adjustment to the new life. Worrying about whether you might do it right. did other people feel guilty when they wanted a break, please let her sleep one more hour, I’m so tired. Then there is the final stage of new beginning. After letting go of the old, navigating the uncertainty and then accepting that things are now different, you’ve managed to survive. Are you different – sure thing.  In all likelihood, you’ve grown in ways you could never imagine.

Ending, uncertainty and new beginning – that’s the process. You can’t get away from the process. Most people get hung up on that first step – letting go of the old. It is an essential step in growth and the sooner you realize that you cannot go back the better. Endings can be tough – even for things we are not fond of letting go can be a challenge. Failure to let go of the past will result in your becoming stuck.  People who are stuck change very little. They are usually uninteresting and they work hard to keep things the same.

The period of uncertainty is about surrender – before we have even seen the light at the end of the tunnel, we have to let ourselves roam around in the tunnel. It’s normal. Your questions of whether you are going to be alright are a sign that you’re in a period of uncertainty. When you stop asking and find peace, you are moving closer to that essential stage of surrender to change.

But it’s not an easy stage either because it’s all about not having control, not knowing for certain. We are not very good in this place but we can train ourselves to welcome uncertainty. Then we will develop resilience.

We’re human and what we like is certainty – so we want to know whether we will be ok if we let go of tried and true. Are there any guarantees in life? Will I survive the uncertainty? Will my life be better? There are no answers to those questions. Most people do come out the other end and many will tell you that even in the most uncertain time of their lives, there were valuable lessons.

Where in the process are you? Are you managing gracefully or trying to hold onto what used to be? Ending – Uncertainty – Beginning. Do you have what it takes to change?

Vision Board and To Do List

I learned quite some time ago that there are steps that we can take toward achieving our goals in life before we can even see how we are going to achieve the goal. I use two tools pretty consistently and they are the Vision Board and the Daily To-Do List. There are times when things are not going the way that I want them to and if I slow down for a minute and really look at my day, I will notice that I’m not doing what I normally do. I’m not relying on my vision board to remind me where I am going and I am also not using the my Daily To Do List. When I do follow the list and meditate on my vision board, things seem to fall into place a lot easier. It works for me – why don’t you give it a try?

If you have never used a Vision Board – there is a great book by Joyce Schwarz that outlines how the Vision Board works. It is a great resource and I have used it over and over. I love how it helps to keep me focused on the future . I also appreciate the simple instructions for creating one with a group. We can learn so much from one another and others often know us better than we know ourselves. It is a fun workshop to teach and coach people through.

Moving through life without a vision board  reminds me of what it would be like to go to Europe without any set destination in mind. You may end up in a great place but it is just as likely that your whole trip will be ruined because there was nothing definite about your plan. A vision Board helps you to focus and be sure of what you are after. That makes it possible to then achieve that very goal. Create a Vision Board that comes to life with vivid imagery and one that you can almost smell. You need this type of vision board to see what you are doing. You need to go to this place. You need to make a vision board that captures it all. Once you have that in place – the natural and next step is to get up each day and take steps to get to where you want to be. A great way to do this is by starting each day with a to-do list.

I set aside time each day to plan for the next days activities. I even take time on Sunday to map out my whole week. It not only keeps me on track but it ensures that when I do achieve my goals, i am ready for them to happen.

In 2013, I will turn 50 and as part of my celebration I am going to Europe. I want to visit Tuscany, Italy and I want to check out the beaches. There are other places that I wish to see. In getting ready for what is going to be a busy trip, I want to lose weight – in particular I want to lose 50 lbs. It is my 50 by 50 plan and I’m on my way to achieving it.

I know that in order to be successful, I have to get up each day and take steps now to make that happen. You can’t wait for the last minute and then scramble. There are so many preparations that need to be done. I map out what needs to be done and then I set goals and sub goals. I even go as far as assigning times for when I will have what completed.

The first thing on my list is to be grateful – we all have so many blessings and it can be a struggle to see them in the worry of day to day life. I start my day with gratitude exercise so it is on my T0-Do list every morning. It really does set he mood for me for the rest of the day.

I also make the list long enough and substantial enough to include all the details. I usually always have three thing on the list but have had lists that were quite a bit longer. On those days when there is nothing real pressing to get done, I do a little research on destinations and look at what other people are saying about the place. There is always something to be done. It also keeps me focused on where I am heading. There’s a reason that I’m getting ready to go there.

Vision Board and a To Do List – two great tools that will put you on the path to success. Try it today and you will be surprised at how quickly you can achieve your goals. I dare you.

Get off the fence…

Should I stay or should I go? Will I take my business in this direction or not? Will I go through official channels and make a complaint or will I let it go? Should I talk to her about how she offended me or will I sweep it under the rug? Will I deal with this now or save it for a later date? Will I buy this house in spite of how it stretches my income or not? Everywhere that I go I meet people who are struggling with very difficult decisions and no doubt you are struggling with your own. That’s not a bad thing – people who are not struggling with decisions are not living in my opinion. A life worth living is one that is full of opportunities for growth and development – one that is full of decisions.

The problem arises when we can’t make the decision – we stay on the fence beyond when it is healthy to do so. We end up either losing our nerve or losing the opportunity and we may not get it again. Then there are the times when we take an overly emotional approach to decision making that results in a poor decision. Many of the decisions we make are matters of the heart but even in these matters, taking a logical approach will result in a better decision.

First we must acknowledge that there are very few sure things. We have no control over what might happen in future, so we have to make our decision based on what we know to be true today. Things may change in future, someome may get ill or lose a job. People do change their minds. That is the reality we are faced with in any decision but we still need to make the decision based on what we know today.

Next, write a list of pros and cons. Sit down and write an extensive list of what will happen if you go in one direction compared with what might happen if you go in another. List every benefit and every pitfall. Leave nothing out. This exercise is beneficial because it begins to make it real for you. It gives you a new perspective.

This next step is underutilized. Ask for a trusted friend or colleague to give you their opinion. Be selective in who you ask. You want them to be supportive and objective. If you want to keep your decision a secret – then choose someone you can trust to do that for you. Instruct your friend to be honest and candid in what they think. They may have insight you had  not thought of.  Now add these considerations to the mix – do they change your list of pros and cons? Does it make you change your mind or are you strengthening your position because of the new information?

Imagine that you’re buying a home for the first time – speaking to another first time homebuyer would be great. They can tell you that buying an older home may mean that you have to replace windows very soon. They may also tell you about the burden of being house rich and money poor. Add this insight to your decision making process.

You’ve collected your information, done your homework and all you have left is to make the decision – what will it be? You have thought about the outcome from either side - what if you stick with the status quo – is it palatable? At the end of the day you have to live with the result — it’s your life.

Understand the forces that will undermine you – pleasing others, catastrophizing about the worse case scenario – turning a blind eye to red flags, failing to heed a very huge warning.

You’ve done your homework and now it’s time to get off the fence. Trust your instinct and go with your gut. Make the decision and live with it.  What if you’re wrong? There is always that chance of course. But let me tell you a secret – there is learning even in mistakes. There are no sure things in life….get off the fence and make a choice.

Listening – between genders

Are you a good listener? How do you know? Is it because you can repeat verbatim what someone is saying?

Listening requires an understanding that not every speaker is needs the same thing.  Good listening takes skill and frankly, most people are not great listeners. How often, for example, have you been formulating a response while you were listening – chomping at the bit to get your two cents in as soon as there was a pause in communication?

This is not uncommon – I used to be a terrible listener. One of the benefits of Toastmasters is that we not only learn how to be competent communicators, we also learn how to listen well. It takes training to become a good listener. When you listen well, you pay attention to what the person is saying. You figure out whether they are just sounding off or if they require a response from you. You remain attentive and make eye contact. You pause at the end of the dialogue to see if they need to add more. You wait for an indication as to whether they need anything from you. The art of listening is not to be taken lightly – great leaders are great listeners.

What about listening across the gender divide. Many of us have gotten into trouble by responding inappropriately to the other sex. Women and men often have challenges when it comes to communication. I often say that women speak to men as if they are speaking to other women. Men speak to women as if they are speaking to another man. They have not quite learned how to speak to one another or how to respond appropriately to the other sex.  They have not learned the art of cross-gender listening which is a specialized kind of listening.

Women tend to use communication to build rapport and social connections. When they communicate, they are more likely looking for empathy from the listener. Men on the other hand are looking for solutions. Imagine that a woman is telling a man about a problem – all she wants is an ear – but a man will look for a solution – he will actually have one ready for her when she takes her first breath. In all likelihood she was just sharing feelings and seeking empathy and understanding. It would likely have been appropriate to say nothing but lend an attentive ear. When she hears the solution she may get offended because she will resent your desire to fix the problem. That is not the way that women do things.

Men like to solve their own problems, sizing things up and thinking instead of talking it out. Women feel left out of things when this happens even though the truth is – men are not thinking about anything but the problem at hand. Men have a tendency to not want to share their feelings or talk things out and when that happens – women may get offended because you’re not treating us like we treat one another.

Gender differences are varied and there are usually enough stereotypes around to say that enough men and women display these traits – so what is the solution – learn to be a good listener and check in if you’re not certain. Over time people get to know one another well enough to know what will work. Become a good listener and your life will be less stressful.