First Impressions - Lasting and Inaccurate.

Have you ever met someone and knew right away that you did not like them? Have you ever met someone and connected them immediately? I have had both of these things happen to me? What if I asked if you have regretted those decisions after a couple of meetings? Oh come on now, we've all made this mistake on occasion. A rush to judgment that we regretted later.

This week I met with a group of ladies to talk about first impressions. One story that was shared, made the point real well. Laura was waiting to meet a client at a local restaurant. When the client pulled up in her Red Toyota, Laura could feel an instant dislike. Keep in mind here that she had never met the woman face to face but had spoken to her on the phone. They actually connected quite well on the phone. We had spoken often enough about first impressions that Laura knew to hold off on making the judgment.

As a coach, I journey with people to a place of self discovery. After a little probing, she recalled a situation a couple of years back where she had a tangle with a toxic coworker. Guess what colour car that toxic coworker drove....yep, you got it. She had a red Toyota.

The car was a trigger for Laura and it caused her to project all of the dislike from the past experience onto the present experience. When she saw the car, it was a trigger for the situation that had happened a couple of years ago. This caused her to dislike the lady without even waiting to get to know her.

When speaking with my friend Tom the other day he said he worked the other way. He really loved some people after one meeting only to regret it later. Oh yes, it works both ways for sure.

What a shame if we don't recognize our own tendencies to project. What opportunities will we miss out on? What great friendships will we forfeit. Will me make rash decisions that we will regret or get stuck spending time with folks that we don't really enjoy?

The solution is an easy one - wait and see. Don't rush to judgment. Take some time to get to know the person. Acknowledge the tendency to project and to make assumptions. I've been wrong about people often enough now that I take a bit of time before I make a firm decision, when it is practical to do so.

Sometimes it serves us well to make a rush decision but there are times when we are wrong - you be the judge but not to quickly....

Marketing Me

I drool at the thought of all the work that is coming up the pike in eastern Canada. I wish I was an able bodied woman again and could strap on my tool belt and head out there to join the wave of workers who will be heading into town to make it big. Oh the thought of purchasing my own big ass truck with the latest bells and whistles is almost too much to think about. Back in the day sista, I would have been right there with the best of them.

Now I get to work in an advisory capacity - it's not so shabby, keeps me in the loop. I believe that knowledge is right up there with chocolate when it comes to the trades. If you are a woman who wants to get in the game, there are a couple of things you need to know.

I'll start from when you graduate from college because you're not going to listen to me about buckling down at college - you may regret the partying and skipping class. But for those of you who are listening - get a great education now because the learning environment gets a lot tougher where the rubber hits the road. Be a sponge in the classroom and read up on the women who are doing well - they maximize their own potential.


Get a trade - the days are long gone when people got hired without any formal training. The industry is very technical and you need as much information as you can get. Put your nose to the grind at Community College because marketing is going to be tough. Landing that job will take perseverence and creativity.

Be a great communicator - people don't understand that communication is a learned skill. The more you do it the better off you will be. You may be saying right now - I can communicate, I use my Blackberry. There's a time and a place for your texting but I mean functional communication - the kind you will need in the trades.

Let me put this into perspective. When you go looking for a job, competition will be tough. Let's say that two ladies show up at the same time. One has all As on her transcript from her course. The other as Bs and Cs. Guess who gets the job.....the one that can communicate best. The one that can articulate best. The one that make them laugh and knows her stuff. In this game, you learn on the job and those who fit in well get the opportunities for learning. That may be unfair but it's the way things are.

Imagine you're on the site and you notice a hazard that you need to alert your fellow workers about. You don't get to text that message with multiple recipients - you get to holler so that they get their attention. When you go out into the world and want to land the client, you have to have the savvy to be able to communicate with them in a fashion that is professional and courteous. Then there is the biggie - you're going to own your own business someday - that means you'll need some pretty great communication skills. Start now - when you're young and you'll impress everyone. It will give you an edge over those who are also looking. I learned all that I need to know about communicating from Toastmasters - find a local club.

Join the union - I can't stress this enough. Join the union. Go to meetings. Use your newly acquired skills. Volunteer to do some tasks. Be around the men, learn from them, listen to them. Their communication style may seem harsh at first but it's the way the culture is. Don't let it intimidate you - there are a lot of teddy bears under that tough exterior. Know that - you'll get used to being around the culture. Big jobs are unionized and they make lots of money there - if you're interested in commercial construction, join the union and keep current on your dues.

Visit job sites and enquire about work. Now this might seem kind of intimidating. But if you're not working anyhow, you have time on your hands. Maybe you can't be hired but you can hang around and get used to the culture. Speak to women workers - even the flagsperson can tell you a lot about the culture and the rules of the game.

The real leaders in life learn to do things in the downtime that give them an edge when things are going well. Do you spend your unemployed time complaining or are you taking advantage of free learning that is available in the community. I know where I would be.

Don't show up with an attitude that you're going to change the world. Yes, there are things wrong with the industry but you don't reveal your hand too early. There are ways to do things right and showing up with an agenda is not a way to get ahead. There's a process to fitting in at work.

If you're an older worker who has taken up the profession lately - after the best are hired, the woman who is low maintenance is hired. She is the woman who fits in with the men. She has a great personality. Personality is a learned characteristic. Study people with great personality - what do they do. Try and be like them. People with a bad attitude wear it on their sleeve for the world to see. Do what it takes to become a positive person. There's nothing worse than a wet rag.

People ask me - how many times do I call the union to try and get hired. I say call once a week if you know that they're hiring. Drop in from time to time to let them see your face. The reality is that when a job comes up and you happen to be there - you're the person who is hired. Become known. You may say to yourself - that takes a lots of guts. Well, personally I think that you're up to the task. When you chose a career in the trades, you demonstrated that you had lots of guts. If you wanted an easier transition you could have taken esthetics....traditional work with different hurdles. No disrespect to the profession - I love my gel nails for special events.

I can't stress enough how important it is to join the union. I just met 6 ladies who graduated last year and only two joined the union. Guess what folks, those other four just created a new hurdle - getting known and getting in the loop. Join the union and take the free courses that are being held there.

The truth is this - the time is ripe for women entering the trades - they need people. You have to be a bit assertive to get there. Learn how to be assertive by practicing. If you get it wrong, try again. It's an exciting venture....good luck in your journey.

male or female; masculine or feminine

Whenever I hear the phrase "the advancement of women in trades", I cringe just a little. But I appreciate that we need phrases like this to define who the organization is and what it is that they do. I believe the term is outdated and oversimplified but I continue to use it because it is simple. The reality is that I work for the advancement of the trades so that we can be meet the demands of a changing world. It really is time to have a conversation about sex, gender, and culture so that we can design programs that work for today's market.

I always enjoy telling the story of the trades. It was designed for men by men to serve the needs of that homogeneous group. Women have attempted more recently to make inroads but with limited success. Let's put this into context in our day to day lives. In my tradition, born of centuries of Newfoundland women, the woman is in charge of the care work and the cooking work and so the kitchen is designed with her in mind. I don't know about you but if you move my spices around, I might get a little irritated. We don't like change. I respect that there are men who enjoy the care work and the kitchen but traditionally it's been a woman's domain (at least from where I sit).

Sex is easy to define - if you've got the right junk, you know that you're a man or a woman with a few variations that are becoming more mainstream today. But for the ease of discussion, let's keep it at the level of male/female. I give respect to anyone who does not identify as either and appreciate your journey.

Historically, there have been men in the trades who were not of the "macho" style but they assimilated because being yourself and different than the dominant group is a challenge for people. It takes work to swim against the current and sometimes it's easier to throw in the towel. In the industry, the term men has has been narrowly defined to mean "macho" but the industry is changing and that definition is changing - it is not so narrowly defined anymore because other voices are gaining momentum and they will not be stifled.

The point is that defining people is challenging regardless of whether you are a man or a woman. GI Joe and Barbie don't quite capture my notion of what it means to be either in the modern context.

Gender on the other hand is a more complex set of characteristics. The term that is used is MASCULINE AND FEMININE. Look at the list below to see what they meant.

MASCULINE
rational
resolute
competitive
assertive
domination oriented
calculating
restrained
physical
aggressive
detached

FEMININE
emotional
flexible/fickle
cooperative
compliant
relationship oriented
instinctive
expressive
verbal
passive
caring

These lists are not inclusive nor are they negative or positive. The masculine characteristics were often said to be seen in men and the feminine characteristics were often said to be seen in women. There is also a nature/nurture debate that begs the question of whether we are born this way or our environments shape us. Regardless of who wins, the reality is that we are more diverse as people. But are we as different as people might want to convince us?

If you are like many of us - you may say (maybe not out loud) that you fall into the other category. I know that I have tendencies that are more masculine than feminine. I know some remarkable men and emerging leaders who gladly accept that they have traits that are more feminine.

Let's treat gender like a spectrum with the masculine qualities on the left and the feminine on the right - now I will pose the question - Which gender are you? Don't peak at your vagina or penis - pretend that you are blind to your sex. Who are you really?

With this information, is it plain to see that being a woman is much more complicated than we at first thought?

So when we design programs that are intended to advance women's participation in non-traditional places, we need to ask a different question. What kind of woman are you? What kind of organization are you entering - what kind of men are there?

The word culture is another factor that shapes how we think about ourselves - often the culture does not support a distinction based on gender but only based on sex. It's important that we know about culture.

We are moving away from assimilation to a model of accommodation where we must ask the tough questions.

Are you masculine or feminine?
Is the culture one that supports gender diversity?
What supports does the organization need to adapt to a changing world?
We can't unlearn what we know about the world - it's impossible.

When people ask what it is that I do - I say I'm a Diversity Strategist who works for the advancment of the trades. The issue is larger than a woman's issue? The dialogue has changed and so the solutions must also change.

The Pointy end of Diversity

There's a popular saying about "going where no man has gone before" and it's always resonated with me because I've enjoyed going where no one like me has gone before and it hasn't always been easy.

Boldly stepping outside the prescribed places that society, people, and myself have thought I should occupy, I learned so much about the world. I learned that I am a survivor. I get broken and bruised and smashed around a bit on occasion but at the end of the day I dust off, stand up, try again. It's called living.

Disheveled Debbie - that's me. I've learned most of what I've learned about diversity as part of diversity initiatives. I like to refer to it as the "pointy end" of diversity. I was a mechanic in the military without a role model. I worked in many jobs where I was the first woman to take on that role and sometimes I surprised myself as much as I surprised others.

Disability doesn't stop me as I push the limits of what that means for a person. I went to law school and learned very important lessons the hard way. I thought it would do me in. But in true spirit, I picked myself up and one day I said - where's the lesson - what can I tell others about stepping out and going where no woman, no single mom, no rural Newfoundlander from a family without privilege has gone before. I'm able to do that - bring those lessons to others who may want to step out. They don't need to reinvent the wheel although adults love learning from doing. Maybe an ounce of prevention will be a pound of cure.

My new book - with a temporary title about the "pointy end of diversity" is all about sharing those lessons. I'm going to traditionally publish it and self publish at the same time. I've started speaking about the chapters and informing others about diversity and courage. I love the direction my career is taking me and I am also inspired by other people's response to what I do.

Stay tuned for some of those stories as I travel through this next leg and thanks for your support.

Envy

Have you ever felt envy? Envy is not a very nice feeling to have. Envy is a resentful or unhappy feeling of wanting what somebody else has – their success, their good fortune, qualities or possessions.

We’ve all had periods in our lives when things aren’t going as well as we would like them to. For some of us, we might have several areas where this might be happening. I know that I have wished at times that I had the life that other people have had. It’s quite normal to feel this way – we must be careful however that we don’t let envy take over our lives and drag us into a painful pit.

Take a coin out of your pocket and look at it – on one side is heads and on the other is tails. Think of envy in terms of the coin. Picture envy as one side of the coin and love as the other side. You know that a coin only sits on one side at a time and if that side is the side of envy, the side of love is blocked. But fear not, there is hope – learn to move away from envy and toward love.

STEP 1 – ACKNOWLEDGE THE PROBLEM

The first step is to acknowledge envy – don’t judge it. I’ve found that when I acknowledge that I have a problem, change is just around the corner. It’s what happens next that really defines who you are.

If you were raised in a family where your needs were not met, you may feel envious of your friends who appeared to have better lives. Maybe you look at other families and see them as loving and kind because of the things that they do. You may envy the fact that their friends dad shows up at their soccer games while you not only have to go alone but also have to find a ride. Maybe they have wonderful holiday get togethers while in your house things are less stable. This is often the case where there is a lot of alcohol abuse for example and it is made even worse if money that could be used for food is used to support a drinking habit. You might be envious of the family that seems to be more stable.

I spoke with a child recently who was envious of her best friend who had often taken vacations to Disney and other exciting places and she had never had a vacation in her life. In cases like this, we can see why people engage in envy. The list of things to be envious about is endless and can go on forever –your reasons are unique to you.

Acknowledge that you’re envious.

STEP 2 – TIME TO GET DIGGING

You’ve acknowledged that you’re envious and realize that you recognize that it is not serving you well and you are ready to stop. Like most change – it takes work, but this is work that will produce such positive results that you’ll be glad to do the work. I like to use a gardening analogy.

The Sumac tree is a tree in Nova Scotia that is a lovely piece of foliage and it is best planted at the edge of your property because it has a massive route system and tends to take over the garden. I had a Sumac tree growing in my front lawn very near my front door and it was unsightly. It had not been cared for and the roots were travelling very near the surface with small shoots every couple of feet. I decided to take it out.

When I started, the job was a lot more difficult than I thought. Every time I thought I had it all pulled out, another little plant would sprout up 20 feet from the original tree. I’d start again pulling it out.

Clearing envy out of your life is like taking out the Sumac – it takes work and you may not realize how deep or broad the envy has spread in your life. But after a bit, you see the progress and there are less and less instances of it. Keep acknowledging the envy, don’t judge and then pull it out.

STEP 3: START PLANTING AGAIN

“Nature abhors a vacuum.” I removed those roots, had to replace it with rich soil and grass seed while tending to and nurturing the new growth of healthy lawn. Envy is the same – you take it out, remove it from your life and replace it with love. Love is easy and involves caring for yourself and others in balance.

Look at the blessings in your own life that you may have overlooked while you were in envy mode – you may not have material possessions but there is so much richness in our lives that has nothing to do with materialism. Are you a good friend? Do you bring joy to others? Is your sense of humour bringing happiness into someone’s life. Don’t under estimate the riches you already have.

Envy is a poison that needs to be removed and replaced with healing, nurturing love. Take the time to acknowledge it, remove it and replace it with life giving love. You won’t be sorry.

Promoting Women

The big news in our family is that my sister, Brenda, the first and only woman cement finisher in the Bricklayers and Allied Craftworkers Union in Newfoundland was hired to work at the Long Harbour site. That in and of itself is a wonderful thing. Add to this the fact that she has been promoted to foreperson within a short timeframe and we have reason to celebrate.

This past week - the local union president along with the International president came onsite to meet her face to face and did a photoshoot while they were there. They could not confirm it but they speculated that there may not have been a woman foreperson in the BAC in Canada. If there has been - I stand corrected.

Promotions of this variety may be well received by some but not so much by others. There are people who will say that she is only a "token" and that she didn't get promoted on her own merit - I beg to differ. My sister is a fantastic people manager and well suited to the role of foreperson - she has a tremendous amount of respect for people from all walks of life and she knows her job. Just like any other person, male or female when they step into leadership positions, she will face challenges. But like all other workers, she can lean on her colleagues and co-workers to fill in gaps. That's the sign of a great leader - she doesn't need to know everything, she needs to maximize her resources.

To those who might want to be skeptical about her ability - my advice to Brenda and women in general is this "Choose to tune them out."

They will have very little impact on your life and you're wasting precious energy if you worry about what others might think. You have made history in NL. It's a big task and I already see you growing into your new role. You never cease to amaze me and like a lot of women - you're coming into your own and beginning a new journey. When others are winding down, you're just winding up. You're a fabulous role model for the girls out there who wonder if they can do it. Way to go gal.

Managing Setbacks

One of the best lessons that I have had to learn in life is that setbacks are temporary - not only are they temporary, they can also come with valuable lessons. It is a tough lesson to learn and one that you will find very valuable. Setbacks are not the end of the journey in life even though people, myself included, may want to give up when you encounter one. They are temporary and if we can learn to manage a setback well - we can still achieve our goals and live a full and rewarding life.

The law of attraction states that your thoughts are powerful and they determine what you acomplish in life. We many all recall the story of the little engine who said "I think I can, I think I can." Even as children we were being taught that our mind is a powerful tool. Setbacks can produce negative thinking patterns and these are what interferes with our progress - not the setback itself but how we think about the setback.

A very clear example concerns losing weight - I've set a goal to lose 50 lbs in 2 years. I had a bit of a setback recently where I lost my motivation for a week or so. In past, I would have taken this slip from the wagon as evidence that I "don't have what it takes." or that "I'm never going to lose weight." or any number of excuses that would have lead me to quit the journey.

But in my role as lifecoach, I often tell people what I needed to tell myself - this was a setback, not the end of the road. I can get back up, learn from the setback, and move forward again. I know the steps to take to get back on course.

First, understand that setbacks are a normal part of the journey. The journey is not a linear path from A to Z. It is more like a series of advances and retreats and tweeking to get where you want to go. Setbacks often come with valuable lessons in life. Many a successful busines people have had to re-evaluate the path they were taking because of unforseen obstacles. Setbacks are normal.

Secondly, realize that setbacks are temporary and don't let your mind convince you otherwise. They're not here to stay - the cycle of life is always changing. If you start to let yourself believe that you "always" run into obstacles or that you are "never" going to achieve your goal - you run the risk of believing that you are helpless. I have first hand experience with this one - I can remember after I lost my drivers' license through vision loss - I had convinced myself that I "would never be happy again." That was a falsehood brought on by fear. This type of absolute thinking can lead to disaster and derail you permanently.

Finally, seek out resources to get you beyond stuck. If you're not moving forward, you may need help. Maybe a lifecoach or counsellor can help you to reflect upon your thought patterns and actions to see where it is that you're not working in your best interest.

Setbacks are a normal part of life. What we do with them makes the difference between success and stagnation - take charge of your life and take the necessary steps to ensure that you continue to move forward. Enjoy the journey...

The Vision Board

We bring about what we think about - that's what the Law of Attraction tells us. We all know that controlling what we think about is challenging on occasion especially when we have something that is bothering us. The Law of Attraction may be easy to understand but not so simple to put into practice. Anyone who has ever worried about how something negative is going to turn out will tell you how tough it is not to worry. But that is exactly what we need to do if we want it to turn out well.

That is why affirmations and other techniques are beneficial. They help us to remain focused on where it is we want to end up. The vision board is one of those wonderful tools that we can use in our lives to remain focused. A vision board is really a collection of images and phrases that serve to remind us of what life will look like when our dream comes true.

I did a workshop recently with a group of 5 people where we used the techniques described in Joyce Schwarz' book "The Vision Board: The Secret to An Extraordinary Life." There was much to be gained by doing the board in a group setting - it allowed us to talk about and fine tune our goals. The clearer the goal is the better. Sharing our goal with other supportive people helped us to develop some passion and feeling around what we were undertaking.

Thoughts, feelings and actions are what determines where we are headed. The vision board process allows us to get clear images, share positive feelings and plan a strategy to get where we need to be.

I display my vision board in a place where I am reminded often and I always feel good when I look at it. That feel good feeling is what we are striving for. It's the feel good feeling that will help us to achieve - the thought alone won't do it. It's the passion and feeling that you have for your future that will help it to become a reality.

Try a vision board, they're simple, affordable and fun to do in a group.

Losing your driver's license.

A gentleman contacted me today because he had lost his license because of Macula Degeneration (an eye disorder) and he wanted to know how I adjusted to that loss. I was in my early 30s when I lost my license. He said that I made it look easy and I didn't seem to worry about it. He thought that I didn't seem to suffer much because of not driving.

I was reminded that we can never tell what is going on inside a person by looking at them. It was not an easy transition for me at all. It still has a negative impact on my life.

We expect that as part of the aging process, we will lose our ability to drive. This is almost a normal transition in aging. When you lose your ability to drive early in your career, it has much larger implications in my opinion.

Vision loss cost me my career and it is the gift that keeps on giving because it still gets in the way of the life that I want to live. I have made choices that I would never have made had I still been driving.

I was not a casual driver - I was, like this gentleman, a person who loved to drive and who depended on driving for entertainment purposes. Being a single mom without a driver's license has meant that my daughter could not have the life that her friends had. We never had the freedom of spontaneous travel and running to the store to pick up something was not a luxury we enjoyed. Our lifestyle was greatly compromised without a car. I will add that many people have no car but we had a car and we knew what it was to lose that luxury or some might say necessity in this day and age. My quality of life is not at the level that it would be if I drove. I didn't tell him all of that - he was not ready for that yet. It would come in time.

It may look like I don't mind on the outside but on the inside it is a continuing battle to adjust. Loss of any type requires that we go through a grieving process - the same as we would with the loss of a loved one. Losing your license is often trivialized until you have to go through it yourself. There isn't an area that is not impacted by my inability to drive.

So I told this gentleman that he has to make a choice to be ok with the new life but that he doesn't have to rush. Learn to grieve and that means embracing what is being lost. This man was an active man who operated machinery and drove a motor home - he won't have the same ability and choices - sugar coating it won't help anyone. But he has to come to terms with the new reality and when he accepts himself for who he is now, he will start to see that there are options in life that will bring him joy again. This won't happen overnight - it is a process that is more like the waves that come in the ocean - sometimes gentle and other times ferocious.

I've heard it said that it takes 2 years to transition to a new place and I think that is right. When we don't get the help we need, we end up in places that can add to our grief. I would advise him to take advantage of programs like CNIB Adjustment to Vision Loss, professional counselling and connecting with others who have gone through the same thing.

Family members and close friends need to be educated on the impact of vision loss so that they can appreciate the transition and know what needs to be done to help him through the tough period.

Losing the ability to drive is nasty - but there is a world without it once we learn to accept ourselves.

Roots and Wings

My daughter is getting ready to head out on her summer vacation, a vacation that her and her 3 BFFs planned without the help of parents - a sign that we have done a real great job of raising our children or that we have lost our minds. They had a few snags along the way and as parents we marveled at how they stepped up and problem solved. I know that I was real proud of how these girls managed to get the logistics looked after.

Someone once said to me "If we raise our children well, we work ourselves out of a job." I found that quite profound, thought provoking and very true. I cherish my daughter and being a mom has been a rewarding and sometimes trying experience. I have always felt that my role in her life was to help her to grow into an independent adult who could look out for her own needs. This past year, I've seen her blossom into an amazing young woman who is willing to try new things and who has established wonderful relationships in her life. She has also become more comfortable speaking out about something that she disagrees with and I see in that the forming of values that will serve her well in life. I enjoy this because in my own generation children were not encouraged to think critically and challenge authority.

I think that like most parents we want our children to make good choices. We may also want to share some of our wisdom with them in the hope that their lives can be a little bit easier than ours was. On that note, every time I try and teach my daughter a lesson through my own experiences, I am humbled. I learned in my Adult Education training that we learn by doing and not by listening and I've seen that in my own life and I see it in my daughter. Children may take all that we say as gospel and internalize it (or not) but when they reach a certain age, they really do have the capacity to do it on their own. My daughter will learn now from her own experiences, trials and tribulations.

My advice to her is to take risk but be prepared before she does so. I encourage her to not live a sheltered life because I think that we grow by stepping out of our comfort zones. Get out there and engage in life. There is no end to learning in life so take every opportunity to do so. Remain broad minded and have conversations with people that you might never normally speak with. Be fascinated and curious about everything - that's living. When you fall down, get up and continue on in life and always remember - that mama is here for you. Nothing you can do can ever break that bond.

To all of you parents out there who see that day coming when the apron strings will need to be cut - remember this. Our children are not put here to keep us company. We give them roots and then give them wings. Hugz

Where are my friends

Social Isolation

Now and again we run into an old friend and wonder why we ever lost touch. Sherry and I were so close when we were in our early twenties but for some reason, we drifted apart. Before running into her, I hadn’t given it much thought. But it all came flooding back to me – the social isolation that comes with having the courage to be different.

Separating From the Pack

Choosing to join the army and become a mechanic when I got out of high school was a great decision for a lot of reasons not the least of which was it gave me a steady income. There was a price to be paid for this decision to be different – one of the areas where we suffered some growing pains was in the relationship area. Not many of the women that I knew were doing anything that was not traditional. I had stepped outside the norm, I stepped way out. My choice to become a mechanic and the choice to join the military served to “separate me from the pack” so to speak and it was painful. The pain dulled but it was a tough go in the beginning.

Where Do I Belong?

Those early days were an emotional roller coaster on every front. We expected challenges in the workplace but we were not prepared for what might happen in our personal lives. Getting along with “the boys” became easier in time as we developed strategies for dealing with one another. For the most part, we developed a working relationship that often blossomed into friendship and mutual respect. I became “one of the guys” and sometimes even that was to my detriment.

The differences between me and my female friends who had chosen more traditional routes became more obvious over time. For example when we would get together over a meal or a night out, they mostly monopolized the conversation – there were more of them and only one me. They chatted about events that were happening in their lives around children, relationships and decorating new homes. I was still single, had no children and my days were filled with car parts and exciting excursions into the bush. There was never a right time to jump in on the conversation. I was pretty certain that they did not share my excitement around the trick I had developed to get the fuel pump in the car. Tying a string around my wrench to ensure that it didn’t fall into the flywheel opening paled in comparison to the smell of fresh washed linen. I often left those gatherings feeling disoriented. What was wrong with me? I also felt a little invisible as there was no place to share my experiences.

I enjoyed it when we planned a social outing with the co-workers and their spouses. But I’m not certain that I fit in any better there. The men were discouraged from chatting too much with me when the women were around and so that meant I had to sit with the ladies. Most of my stories were the ones that I shared with their spouses – they were already suspicious about that relationship and I didn’t want to add fuel to the fire by sharing a moment that I had shared with one of “the boys”. Talking about how we had covered one another’s ass at work would not have gone over well.
The guys avoided me at these times too – not only because their wives gave them the evil eye but also because I wore a skirt and heels on occasion – it didn’t go well with the oil that never seemed to come out from under my nails but I liked the feminine side of myself. They looked at me like I was strange whenever I wasn’t in coveralls. Where the heck did I fit?

Oopsie!!

One night I went out on a date with 3 other couples – we were travelling home from the bar in two cars when our car broke down. My date was driving and he pulled up to the other car to get a boost. They were having some discussion about where to hook up the cables. I told my friend Sharon to move over into the driver’s seat as I went to show them what to do. I kicked off my shoes, grabbed the cables and hooked them up. I gave the universal signal to turn the engine over and when the car started I reached under the air filter and cranked the valve that operated the accelerator on the carb. When I turned around there were 7 eyes looking at me as I slammed the hood shut. It was kind of quiet as we drove home – a chilly climate has descended on us – I wasn’t that sexy as the lady that rescued her boyfriend. He never asked me out again…..Oopsie.

Looking back, the pain went away, but those times were tough and I felt all alone with no one to share in a very important part of me. We had no role models to tell us what to expect and to share in their own journey. We needed people who shared in our experiences and we needed to embrace our uniqueness – I hope that ladies today have it easier.

Challenging Socialization

Socialization - according to dictionary.com is

a continuing process whereby an individual acquires a personal identity and learns the norms, values, behavior, and social skills appropriate to his or her social position.

I want to look a little closer at this definition in the context of women in trades. Let's start with the term "continuing process" - this could be an upbringing for example or the training that a soldier goes through to learn what is expected of them. Norms are the things that people normally do.

Let's look at this definition in terms of lived reality.....

My own upbringing (continuing process) in rural Newfoundland shaped who I was by the time I joined the army at age 17 to become a mechanic. By watching the adults around me, I learned that men worked outside the home, normally in construction and the women looked after the children, cleaned the house, did the homework, cared for the elderly and were never allowed to have the remote. OK, we didn't have a remote but you get the drift. That was my socialization process as a young child.

I experienced a new socialization process at age 17 when I joined the army to become a mechanic. In this new role (identity), I became a soldier and a non-traditional woman. Things were a whole lot different than they were back home. I don't think anyone ever said - she needs a new socialization but we were subjected to training that would see us adopt the identity of soldier.

I moved far away from home and stayed there for the next 10 years - it was a real eye opener for me to meet women whose upbringing had been totally different than mine. It was my first real notion that we were not all alike and our roles as women was different depending upon where we grew up and what your social status was. I met many women who were a lot more empowered than I was even though at the time I didn't have the language to understand what I was experiencing - that came later.

In the military, women fell into two camps - there were the people who came from the more rural areas who were known for their hard work and dedication. We rarely were outspoken or assertive. Then there were the women who were real outspoken - we referred to them as complainers and now that I'm an empowered woman - I respectfully correct that and call them great role models. They made a positive impact on me although at the time I didn't have the language to describe what I was experiencing.

Whenever there is a recruitment drive for non-traditional work or military service and unskilled labour, the target area is the poor. It makes sense to recruit from there because they need jobs and they're more than willing to put up with adverse work conditions. We see it replicated everywhere.

Labour shortage is a word that is heard often these days and that's a signal that more disadvantaged people will be mobilized into these positions. I have yet to see an equity program that includes women in a discussion about her socialization process. Those who design programs for women in trades often focus on nutrition, upper body strength and maybe exposure to the trades. But they fail to give women what they really need - a chance to reflect upon where they came from and where they are going.

I often tell people that if they were going to climb Mt. Everest, they would train and acclimtize for that environment - the same can be said for women entering the trades - there are norms here that we are not familiar with - learn what they are. Learn the norms that we've already bought into. Be courageous enough to challenge our own assumptions so that at the end of the day we can be tradeswomen and not just women in trades.

Back in my day we heard the men complain "Why do you get paid the same as I do but I have to tell you what to do?" This phrase speaks volumes about socialization. If a woman expects to get paid the same as a man gets paid, it's important that she be made aware of the expectation that she step up her game.

There's also another clear danger for women in trades brought on by lack of preparation - getting stuck in work that is traditionally women's work in the home. In the mechanic trade, that might mean doing service work - oil changes and preventive maintenance as opposed to the more choice work of diagnostics and percission rebuild. It happens all the time. It is done in a sneaky fashion also to make it look like they are doing you a favour by giving you the lighter work. Awareness goes a long way.

The remedy lies in new training - learning new ways of doing things.

Socialization is not a one time process - you can reinvent yourself at any point - it's a "continuing process" meaning that it is never completed - keep that in mind as you begin your new journey.

Women's Worlds

You know that little voice in your head that pops up at the oddest times and decides to have a bit of a conversation with you. Well, mine dropped by today - while I was sitting on a panel at the Women's Worlds 2011 Conference listening to a fellow panelist. Out of the blue, this little voice said...

"Pssst, hey Debs....how the heck did we end up here?" Yes, the cheeky little chatterbox has the audacity to call me Debs. But we're kind of close so I allow it.

HOW DID I GET HERE????? Yikes!!!

I am part of a panel of three women.

Dr. Hei-Hui You from a university in Taiwan.
Gendered Learning in Departments of Physical Education

Dr. Maria Teresa M Rubio from Guam,
Five Women Leaders and Their Perceptions of Empowerment


and.....
yep....me.
The power of the narrative - I outlined my own journey in education as first an apprentice and then through university to finally land in a place where I am helping other women succeed in the non-traditional sector. I spoke about what I know - overcoming obstacles to get where we really want to be and I did it the only way I know how - with heart and Newfoundland humour. I have no desire to be all polished and proper as a speaker - I like to engage people to challenge their own assumptions and to get out of their own way to achieve what they want. In my experience, this type of work requires that you take off the gloves - the kid gloves I mean.

Work in the trades is very rewarding and in case you haven't heard, you can make a decent chunk of change there, but let's face it - we're not exactly always welcome. The gentle approach doesn't work all the time. Sometimes we have to spice it up. When I was at law school, I learned the term "The iron hand in the velvet glove" - I like this phrase a lot..that's what women are good at - delivering a powerful message with the gentleness of velvet - ok, so maybe you're not great at it yet, but you can be...right???? right??? Oh, ya...............

It was a great day - lots of knowledge, lots of fellowship and appreciation for one another's work. What a wonderful opportunity we have here - I'm honoured...yes, I am.

It's a moment in time that I'll cherish forever.

Getting Fit - 50 x 50

I’m not a person that others would describe as “into fitness”. Actually, the contrary is true – I have not factored fitness into my schedule up to this point. I am a lady about town who does not own a car so I walk quite a bit more than the average person. This has invited comments of “I don’t know how you can have weight on – you walk all the time”. Maybe my nephew can answer this question – I know that there is a reason that makes sense but I’m not quite ready to teach fitness yet. Lol

My first step was to set a goal and I think that it is a realistic goal. I will turn 50 in two years and thought that a goal of 50 x 50 would work for me. It works out to ½ lbs a week and that is manageable and realistic for most people. If you’re 48, maybe you will join me in this journey. Come on now - consider it.

It was timely because my annual physical was due. The universe is kind to me – in spite of my weight – I am blessed with fabulous cholesterol levels, blood sugars and all of the other indicators of good health. My weight and in particular the fact that I gain belly fat, puts me in the risk category for diseases such as adult onset diabetes – Type 2. I consider myself blessed because I don’t have it yet. I do have low iron and will have that monitored over the next three months. There are many reasons why this might be possible. Diet being one of course. So with the nod from the doctor, I move on to the next step….

I really needed an exercise program that I would actually commit to. There are things that I love to do and when I begin them, I can’t put them down – I won’t list them here - exercise does not yet make it onto my list of favourite things to do. Signing up for Survivor or Boot Camp was not a way for me to “ease in” to fitness. On my own, I started implementing small things into my daily routine like climbing the stairs in my apartment building instead of taking the elevator and I started watching programs on cooking for better health. These were OK but I felt that I might enjoy a more structured routine so I went in search of a fitness program.

I know me better than anyone knows me - it had to be pretty simple and easily accessible. I knew that if I had to travel 30 more minutes on the bus to get there, it was not going to happen. Taking the bus all week long meant that I did not want to have to add more bus time because frankly it’s painful to bus in the summer.

The Universe was watching out for me – it’s becoming a trend. There’s a Goodlife Fitness in my community. It’s not one of the bigger gyms but it has everything that I could possibly need as a beginner. I joined and this week, I have gone 4 times. I think that it is a commitment that I can keep. I tried the Zumba, the Step class, the free weights on my own. I really enjoyed the group work even though coordination is a bit of a challenge. I won’t do steps again because I have trouble with depth perception and was not as graceful as I would have liked to be. It’s not easy being visually impaired and coordinated in this setting but people are very helpful. In my first class, Karen made sure that I had a spot where I could get a great vantage point.

On Saturday I will have my personal meeting with someone who will help me design a plan and check my progress on a regular basis. I know that my resting pulse is 88 which is not good. I’m glad that I know how to measure it now. I am looking forward to seeing what my measurements and weight are (yikes). I have a ball park figure in mind but putting the reality in your face is essential to success. I’ve succeeded in other areas and appreciate the benefit of honesty.

I will post weekly – good or bad – and invite you to return and post your own comments. It is my hope that those other ladies who are approaching 50 will join me in this journey – post your own remarks and share your successes and concerns.

Gender Continuum

My first year of university was a real eye opener for me. I learned so many new terms and I kept my dictionary handy as I was continually encountering new terminology. One term that particularly intrigued me was “observational learning”.

Observational learning refers to how we have the ability to learn by observing other people. The obvious example for how it works is by looking at what happens during discipline. If a child watches a sibling be disciplined for something that the other child did wrong, the child that is watching learns to behave. The observing child does not have to break the rule – he/she learned by watching the other child. This is observational learning.

Some may say that this is a good thing – there’s an old saying “Learn from my mistakes – I’ve made enough of them.” This phrase captures how observational learning works. Observational learning can be very good but it also has a shadow side.

If children are always learning from what they observe, we know as adults that sometimes what they are learning are not great lessons. There area often times when what children observe is unhealthy behaviour in adults. A very good example is with children who grow up in homes where alcoholism is prevalent. If one parent is an alcoholic, the other parent can often be co-dependant and the child will then observe dysfunction. Emotional unavailability and keeping the peach becomes the model for healthy relationships. This is important to know because the type of relationship dynamic that the child learns growing up is the one that they will thing is “normal”.

Another example is when they watch people show their feelings. If a child grows up in a home where they observed adults communicate in anger, then that becomes their “normal”. They have not observed differently. There are many examples. Children can grow up in homes where parents are loving, open and kind and where conflict is resolved in a mature fashion and the child learns from this.

As parents, we need to be aware of how observational learning works and to be aware that we have a role to play in ensuring that our children are protected. We need to be courageous enough to ask ourselves “What are my children learning from my behaviour?” Do we need a little intervention. We were all observational learners as young children. What did I learn that may not seem right now?

As parents, we need to realize that we are role models and teachers for our children. Everything we do is scrutinized and repeated. Children need good role models because they do not have the capacity to judge whether what they are watching is good or bad, they need adults to help them make that determination. You never know who is watching!!!!

Eeyore and Tigger

Life is a series of ups and downs – no one stays in the same place forever. It’s been that way for me and for most of the people around me. We don’t have much control over what happens to us – but we do have control over how we respond.

There has been a lot written and said about the Law of Attraction in recent years. We are taught that in order to achieve a better life, we need to focus on where we want to go as opposed to focusing on where we are at present. When I think of this requirement, I’m immediately reminded of my favourite show as a child Winnie the Pooh. Eeyore and Tigger were two characters that I feel clearly demonstrated the law.
Eeyore always had his head hung down and was forever focused on the negative in life and anyone who spent too much time around him would surely come away feeling a little deflated and uninspired. Tigger, on the other hand, bounced through life, filled with optimism and even as I think about him bouncing around the set, I feel my spirits lifting.

Are you an Eeyore or a Tigger – I’ve been both at different times in my life and I’ve learned a few lessons along the way. First of all, for most of us, we have a choice as to which one we’re going to be. I respect that there are people who have legitimate illnesses which prevent them from controlling their thoughts. For the majority of us, we have the ability to choose at any given moment to act like Eeyore or to act like Tigger.

I have also learned that these states are contagious and when we are around Eeyores or Tiggers, their conditions rub off on us. So we must then choose carefully who we come in contact with – if we want to remain positive it is wise to surround ourselves with people who will allow us to be optimistic.

When I am able, I choose to be Tigger because we attract that which we focus on. If we are positive and uplifting, we attract that into our lives. The reverse is also true, when we are not positive, we will attract the same to us. I don’t need a professional to tell me that this is true – I have tested the theory myself. When I am Eeyore, my life is more miserable. When I am Tigger – even the dullest day looks brighter. Others around me are also impacted by my mood – so I do the math – and choose, when I can, to be Tiggerlike.

Are you a Tigger or an Eeyore?

Beating the Blahs!!!!

We all have days that are less than perfect – they can be brought on by any number of things – health problems, money problems, work problems, relationship problems – the list is endless. Couple any of those with the Nova Scotia weather and you have the perfect recipe for the blahs. Now what are you going to do about it?

The key to surviving those temporary moments is to, first of all, realize that they are temporary states. You also have to acknowledge that you have choices in how you react to them. There are steps that you can take to get you out of a funk. There are things that you can do to ensure that you don’t parachute into despair. .

A brisk walk will usually get me refocused but when the weather is nasty, that may not be the best option. Let’s face it, bundled up in a rainsuit battling the wind and trying to keep your umbrella from turning inside out, is not fun. So when I can’t get outside to work off steam, I turn to my writing. Writing has always been my friend – from as far back as I can remember, I have used writing to escape and to create my mood.

Sometimes I just doodle – I grab some markers and a sheet of paper and I start writing words down that represent the world as I would like for it to be today. Other times I take out a piece of paper and I start writing sentences, all perfectly lined one after the other beginning with the words… “I am grateful for…..”

Before long, I’m focusing on the positives in my life and forgetting what is bugging me.

Recently, I have started writing short stories about how the day would look if it went perfectly. Before I know it, I’ve written myself into a good mood. The thing is, we all have events that put us in a bad mood but the decision to stay there is just that, a decision. Not an easy one sometimes, but a decision no less. How you choose to turn things around is unique to each of us. I write – what do you do?

Looking Back

You can't look in two directions at one time and expect to move very far in either. We've all been stuck at one time or another - trying to move forward but anchored by our past. Taking a bit of time to go back and process that which is keeping you there will be of benefit to you in the long run - face them full on, process them and then move forward.

I was reminded of a quote from the Bible - Philippians 3 starting at verse 12 is all about pressing on toward your goal. We never think about the wonderful business tips there are in the Bible.

Philippians 3:13 - forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead.

My life has been like this, when I was focused on that which was behind - I not only did it wholeheartedly, but I certainly did not move forward - I became mired in the past. It was only when I made a conscious decision to focus my energy, my thinking and my talent on that which was ahead of me that I made any real headway.

The message is clear - that which we focus upon becomes bigger - so focus on where you wish to go - forward or backward, the choice is yours.

An Aptitude for Diversity

Depending on where we are located in the country, attitudes toward women in trades may vary. Exposure shapes attitudes and I believe that we develop an “aptitude for diversity” by being exposed to diversity. As I write this, I am reminded of the struggles that women have with aptitude testing and how exposure is tied to aptitude but I digress. The time has come when developing an aptitude for diversity in the construction industry is not so much an option as it is a necessity.

From grade P-3, my daughter went to school in Ontario where there were 11 languages spoken in her classroom - I believe that this early exposure gave her an aptitude for diversity. The statement is not a judgement but rather an acknowledgement that this early exposure prepared her to be accepting of diversity. When we moved to Nova Scotia, she came home and told me that there were no other languages spoken in her class but English - it was very obvious - not right or wrong, just obvious. I believe that we develop an aptitude for diversity by being exposed to diversity.

Let's think of this in terms of tradeswomen. In my experience, growing up in rural NL for example, I did not meet many women who were working in non-traditional work for pay. There were a lot of hard working women who were doing non-traditional work around the home as a result of circumstances. Construction workers in NL were largely migratory and that meant women were often left at home to do the repairs around the house while their spouses went away to make a living. These women worked very hard and were quite capable of doing "men's" work. But working outside the home in non-traditional work for pay was unheard of.

There were also many women doing very hard work in the fishery but that work was traditionally work that the women did. So in spite of the fact that it was heavy work, it was not considered non-traditional work. As women, we did not have exposure to women in trades and the men in trades were not exposed to women in the industry either.

Exposure develops the aptitude for diversity. Without the exposure there is a little bit of stereotyping, room for discrimination and a certain amount of fear by all parties. I like to say that if they're not loving, they're fearing. Exposure takes the mystery out of difference and highlights our similarities.

I can remember when I was growing up that there was a woman who lived in our area and she was a sheep breeder. My father would often mention her and how she was "like a man" and "different" and "not a normal woman". None of these descriptors were meant in harm, he was speaking his truth. The women that he had been exposed to played supporting roles in life, not leading roles. The notion that a woman would want to take a leading role was a foreign concept. It was the way of the world.

Outmigration, low birth rates, an aging population have all combined to present us with an opportunity for diversification in the industry. The Construction industry must diversify. Women will be recruited to fill those roles. But here’s the challenge.

The industry was designed by men for men and it does not suit the needs of women. The culture is harsh on women and retention has always been a challenge. We all know that doing things the way they were always done and expecting different results is a great way to throw good money after bad. We're entering a new era - things have to change.

People focus on recruiting and training women and that's great; recruiting and training are good but how much energy goes into making the environment more welcoming? Absolutely none - there is no real acknowledgement that the environment is challenging. That’s the first step toward real inclusion. Organizational change requires at least a 2 pronged approach – women have to prepare for the industry and the industry needs to prepare for the women. It's the only way that women will be able to go into this profession and make it their own. It is the only way that the profession can attract and retain talent. The reality on the ground speaks a different story and only time will tell the tale.

An Aptitude for Diversity

An Aptitude for Diversity

Depending on where we are located in the country, attitudes toward women in trades may vary. Exposure shapes attitudes and I believe that we develop an “aptitude for diversity” by being exposed to diversity. As I write this, I am reminded of the struggles that women have with aptitude testing and how exposure is tied to aptitude but I digress. The time has come when developing an aptitude for diversity in the construction industry is not so much an option as it is a necessity.

From grade P-3, my daughter went to school in Ontario where there were 11 languages spoken in her classroom - I believe that this early exposure gave her an aptitude for diversity. The statement is not a judgement but rather an acknowledgement that this early exposure prepared her to be accepting of diversity. When we moved to Nova Scotia, she came home and told me that there were no other languages spoken in her class but English - it was very obvious - not right or wrong, just obvious. I believe that we develop an aptitude for diversity by being exposed to diversity.

Let's think of this in terms of tradeswomen. In my experience, growing up in rural NL for example, I did not meet many women who were working in non-traditional work for pay. There were a lot of hard working women who were doing non-traditional work around the home as a result of circumstances. Construction workers in NL were largely migratory and that meant women were often left at home to do the repairs around the house while their spouses went away to make a living. These women worked very hard and were quite capable of doing "men's" work. But working outside the home in non-traditional work for pay was unheard of.

There were also many women doing very hard work in the fishery but that work was traditionally work that the women did. So in spite of the fact that it was heavy work, it was not considered non-traditional work. As women, we did not have exposure to women in trades and the men in trades were not exposed to women in the industry either.

Exposure develops the aptitude for diversity. Without the exposure there is a little bit of stereotyping, room for discrimination and a certain amount of fear by all parties. I like to say that if they're not loving, they're fearing. Exposure takes the mystery out of difference and highlights our similarities.
I can remember when I was growing up that there was a woman who lived in our area and she was a sheep breeder. My father would often mention her and how she was "like a man" and "different" and "not a normal woman". None of these descriptors were meant in harm, he was speaking his truth. The women that he had been exposed to played supporting roles in life, not leading roles. The notion that a woman would want to take a leading role was a foreign concept. It was the way of the world.

Outmigration, low birth rates, an aging population have all combined to present us with an opportunity for diversification in the industry. The Construction industry must diversify. Women will be recruited to fill those roles. But here’s the challenge.

The industry was designed by men for men and it does not suit the needs of women. The culture is harsh on women and retention has always been a challenge. We all know that doing things the way they were always done and expecting different results is a great way to throw good money after bad. We're entering a new era - things have to change.

People focus on recruiting and training women and that's great; recruiting and training are good but how much energy goes into making the environment more welcoming? Absolutely none - there is no real acknowledgement that the environment is challenging. That’s the first step toward real inclusion. Organizational change requires at least a 2 pronged approach – women have to prepare for the industry and the industry needs to prepare for the women. It's the only way that women will be able to go into this profession and make it their own. It is the only way that the profession can attract and retain talent. The reality on the ground speaks a different story and only time will tell the tale.