I learned quite some time ago that there are steps that we can take toward achieving our goals in life before we can even see how we are going to achieve the goal. I use two tools pretty consistently and they are the Vision Board and the Daily To-Do List. There are times when things are not going the way that I want them to and if I slow down for a minute and really look at my day, I will notice that I’m not doing what I normally do. I’m not relying on my vision board to remind me where I am going and I am also not using the my Daily To Do List. When I do follow the list and meditate on my vision board, things seem to fall into place a lot easier. It works for me – why don’t you give it a try?
If you have never used a Vision Board – there is a great book by Joyce Schwarz that outlines how the Vision Board works. It is a great resource and I have used it over and over. I love how it helps to keep me focused on the future . I also appreciate the simple instructions for creating one with a group. We can learn so much from one another and others often know us better than we know ourselves. It is a fun workshop to teach and coach people through.
Moving through life without a vision board reminds me of what it would be like to go to Europe without any set destination in mind. You may end up in a great place but it is just as likely that your whole trip will be ruined because there was nothing definite about your plan. A vision Board helps you to focus and be sure of what you are after. That makes it possible to then achieve that very goal. Create a Vision Board that comes to life with vivid imagery and one that you can almost smell. You need this type of vision board to see what you are doing. You need to go to this place. You need to make a vision board that captures it all. Once you have that in place – the natural and next step is to get up each day and take steps to get to where you want to be. A great way to do this is by starting each day with a to-do list.
I set aside time each day to plan for the next days activities. I even take time on Sunday to map out my whole week. It not only keeps me on track but it ensures that when I do achieve my goals, i am ready for them to happen.
In 2013, I will turn 50 and as part of my celebration I am going to Europe. I want to visit Tuscany, Italy and I want to check out the beaches. There are other places that I wish to see. In getting ready for what is going to be a busy trip, I want to lose weight – in particular I want to lose 50 lbs. It is my 50 by 50 plan and I’m on my way to achieving it.
I know that in order to be successful, I have to get up each day and take steps now to make that happen. You can’t wait for the last minute and then scramble. There are so many preparations that need to be done. I map out what needs to be done and then I set goals and sub goals. I even go as far as assigning times for when I will have what completed.
The first thing on my list is to be grateful – we all have so many blessings and it can be a struggle to see them in the worry of day to day life. I start my day with gratitude exercise so it is on my T0-Do list every morning. It really does set he mood for me for the rest of the day.
I also make the list long enough and substantial enough to include all the details. I usually always have three thing on the list but have had lists that were quite a bit longer. On those days when there is nothing real pressing to get done, I do a little research on destinations and look at what other people are saying about the place. There is always something to be done. It also keeps me focused on where I am heading. There’s a reason that I’m getting ready to go there.
Vision Board and a To Do List – two great tools that will put you on the path to success. Try it today and you will be surprised at how quickly you can achieve your goals. I dare you.
22 July 2012
5 July 2012
Get off the fence…
Should I stay or should I go? Will I take my business in this direction or not? Will I go through official channels and make a complaint or will I let it go? Should I talk to her about how she offended me or will I sweep it under the rug? Will I deal with this now or save it for a later date? Will I buy this house in spite of how it stretches my income or not? Everywhere that I go I meet people who are struggling with very difficult decisions and no doubt you are struggling with your own. That’s not a bad thing – people who are not struggling with decisions are not living in my opinion. A life worth living is one that is full of opportunities for growth and development – one that is full of decisions.
The problem arises when we can’t make the decision – we stay on the fence beyond when it is healthy to do so. We end up either losing our nerve or losing the opportunity and we may not get it again. Then there are the times when we take an overly emotional approach to decision making that results in a poor decision. Many of the decisions we make are matters of the heart but even in these matters, taking a logical approach will result in a better decision.
First we must acknowledge that there are very few sure things. We have no control over what might happen in future, so we have to make our decision based on what we know to be true today. Things may change in future, someome may get ill or lose a job. People do change their minds. That is the reality we are faced with in any decision but we still need to make the decision based on what we know today.
Next, write a list of pros and cons. Sit down and write an extensive list of what will happen if you go in one direction compared with what might happen if you go in another. List every benefit and every pitfall. Leave nothing out. This exercise is beneficial because it begins to make it real for you. It gives you a new perspective.
This next step is underutilized. Ask for a trusted friend or colleague to give you their opinion. Be selective in who you ask. You want them to be supportive and objective. If you want to keep your decision a secret – then choose someone you can trust to do that for you. Instruct your friend to be honest and candid in what they think. They may have insight you had not thought of. Now add these considerations to the mix – do they change your list of pros and cons? Does it make you change your mind or are you strengthening your position because of the new information?
Imagine that you’re buying a home for the first time – speaking to another first time homebuyer would be great. They can tell you that buying an older home may mean that you have to replace windows very soon. They may also tell you about the burden of being house rich and money poor. Add this insight to your decision making process.
You’ve collected your information, done your homework and all you have left is to make the decision – what will it be? You have thought about the outcome from either side - what if you stick with the status quo – is it palatable? At the end of the day you have to live with the result — it’s your life.
Understand the forces that will undermine you – pleasing others, catastrophizing about the worse case scenario – turning a blind eye to red flags, failing to heed a very huge warning.
You’ve done your homework and now it’s time to get off the fence. Trust your instinct and go with your gut. Make the decision and live with it. What if you’re wrong? There is always that chance of course. But let me tell you a secret – there is learning even in mistakes. There are no sure things in life….get off the fence and make a choice.
The problem arises when we can’t make the decision – we stay on the fence beyond when it is healthy to do so. We end up either losing our nerve or losing the opportunity and we may not get it again. Then there are the times when we take an overly emotional approach to decision making that results in a poor decision. Many of the decisions we make are matters of the heart but even in these matters, taking a logical approach will result in a better decision.
First we must acknowledge that there are very few sure things. We have no control over what might happen in future, so we have to make our decision based on what we know to be true today. Things may change in future, someome may get ill or lose a job. People do change their minds. That is the reality we are faced with in any decision but we still need to make the decision based on what we know today.
Next, write a list of pros and cons. Sit down and write an extensive list of what will happen if you go in one direction compared with what might happen if you go in another. List every benefit and every pitfall. Leave nothing out. This exercise is beneficial because it begins to make it real for you. It gives you a new perspective.
This next step is underutilized. Ask for a trusted friend or colleague to give you their opinion. Be selective in who you ask. You want them to be supportive and objective. If you want to keep your decision a secret – then choose someone you can trust to do that for you. Instruct your friend to be honest and candid in what they think. They may have insight you had not thought of. Now add these considerations to the mix – do they change your list of pros and cons? Does it make you change your mind or are you strengthening your position because of the new information?
Imagine that you’re buying a home for the first time – speaking to another first time homebuyer would be great. They can tell you that buying an older home may mean that you have to replace windows very soon. They may also tell you about the burden of being house rich and money poor. Add this insight to your decision making process.
You’ve collected your information, done your homework and all you have left is to make the decision – what will it be? You have thought about the outcome from either side - what if you stick with the status quo – is it palatable? At the end of the day you have to live with the result — it’s your life.
Understand the forces that will undermine you – pleasing others, catastrophizing about the worse case scenario – turning a blind eye to red flags, failing to heed a very huge warning.
You’ve done your homework and now it’s time to get off the fence. Trust your instinct and go with your gut. Make the decision and live with it. What if you’re wrong? There is always that chance of course. But let me tell you a secret – there is learning even in mistakes. There are no sure things in life….get off the fence and make a choice.
7 June 2012
Listening – between genders
Are you a good listener? How do you know? Is it because you can repeat verbatim what someone is saying?
Listening requires an understanding that not every speaker is needs the same thing. Good listening takes skill and frankly, most people are not great listeners. How often, for example, have you been formulating a response while you were listening – chomping at the bit to get your two cents in as soon as there was a pause in communication?
This is not uncommon – I used to be a terrible listener. One of the benefits of Toastmasters is that we not only learn how to be competent communicators, we also learn how to listen well. It takes training to become a good listener. When you listen well, you pay attention to what the person is saying. You figure out whether they are just sounding off or if they require a response from you. You remain attentive and make eye contact. You pause at the end of the dialogue to see if they need to add more. You wait for an indication as to whether they need anything from you. The art of listening is not to be taken lightly – great leaders are great listeners.
What about listening across the gender divide. Many of us have gotten into trouble by responding inappropriately to the other sex. Women and men often have challenges when it comes to communication. I often say that women speak to men as if they are speaking to other women. Men speak to women as if they are speaking to another man. They have not quite learned how to speak to one another or how to respond appropriately to the other sex. They have not learned the art of cross-gender listening which is a specialized kind of listening.
Women tend to use communication to build rapport and social connections. When they communicate, they are more likely looking for empathy from the listener. Men on the other hand are looking for solutions. Imagine that a woman is telling a man about a problem – all she wants is an ear – but a man will look for a solution – he will actually have one ready for her when she takes her first breath. In all likelihood she was just sharing feelings and seeking empathy and understanding. It would likely have been appropriate to say nothing but lend an attentive ear. When she hears the solution she may get offended because she will resent your desire to fix the problem. That is not the way that women do things.
Men like to solve their own problems, sizing things up and thinking instead of talking it out. Women feel left out of things when this happens even though the truth is – men are not thinking about anything but the problem at hand. Men have a tendency to not want to share their feelings or talk things out and when that happens – women may get offended because you’re not treating us like we treat one another.
Gender differences are varied and there are usually enough stereotypes around to say that enough men and women display these traits – so what is the solution – learn to be a good listener and check in if you’re not certain. Over time people get to know one another well enough to know what will work. Become a good listener and your life will be less stressful.
Listening requires an understanding that not every speaker is needs the same thing. Good listening takes skill and frankly, most people are not great listeners. How often, for example, have you been formulating a response while you were listening – chomping at the bit to get your two cents in as soon as there was a pause in communication?
This is not uncommon – I used to be a terrible listener. One of the benefits of Toastmasters is that we not only learn how to be competent communicators, we also learn how to listen well. It takes training to become a good listener. When you listen well, you pay attention to what the person is saying. You figure out whether they are just sounding off or if they require a response from you. You remain attentive and make eye contact. You pause at the end of the dialogue to see if they need to add more. You wait for an indication as to whether they need anything from you. The art of listening is not to be taken lightly – great leaders are great listeners.
What about listening across the gender divide. Many of us have gotten into trouble by responding inappropriately to the other sex. Women and men often have challenges when it comes to communication. I often say that women speak to men as if they are speaking to other women. Men speak to women as if they are speaking to another man. They have not quite learned how to speak to one another or how to respond appropriately to the other sex. They have not learned the art of cross-gender listening which is a specialized kind of listening.
Women tend to use communication to build rapport and social connections. When they communicate, they are more likely looking for empathy from the listener. Men on the other hand are looking for solutions. Imagine that a woman is telling a man about a problem – all she wants is an ear – but a man will look for a solution – he will actually have one ready for her when she takes her first breath. In all likelihood she was just sharing feelings and seeking empathy and understanding. It would likely have been appropriate to say nothing but lend an attentive ear. When she hears the solution she may get offended because she will resent your desire to fix the problem. That is not the way that women do things.
Men like to solve their own problems, sizing things up and thinking instead of talking it out. Women feel left out of things when this happens even though the truth is – men are not thinking about anything but the problem at hand. Men have a tendency to not want to share their feelings or talk things out and when that happens – women may get offended because you’re not treating us like we treat one another.
Gender differences are varied and there are usually enough stereotypes around to say that enough men and women display these traits – so what is the solution – learn to be a good listener and check in if you’re not certain. Over time people get to know one another well enough to know what will work. Become a good listener and your life will be less stressful.
5 June 2012
Isolation
“Are you the only woman on the job site? Does isolation cause you to despair? There are steps that you can take.”
I feel so isolated here but I can’t really give up my job – the money is too good.”
Isolation is a terrible thing and it can lead to all kinds of problems in the workplace. Isolation can even impact our mental health and cause you to disengage. To promote your own well-being, it is essential that you take steps to ensure that you remain connected. We all need a support system in life. If your employer does not seemed concerned, you can take control of your situation.
There is always the option of connecting with like minded men. Don’t assume that they’re “all alike” – that’s stereotyping. Some of my greatest supporters in life have been like minded men. As a dirt bike enthusiast, I shared a common bond with my male counterparts as we came together to share in the fun of our sport. Hobbies in common are often referred to as the great leveler – a passion for something removes barriers to communication. Biking is a great example, people from all walks of life share that passion – learn to connect based on common interests.
You may not feel you have a lot in common with the women who work in more traditional roles in the office but if you’re a mom – that shared interest gives you a common footing for a wonderful conversation and maybe a friendship. Differences become less obvious when we find something in common. Regardless of our profession, we share common challenges and dreams as parents – connect with other parents to build relationships in the workplace.
If you work on a large work site, chances are that there are women around from other trades who are feeling isolated also. Seek them out and find creative ways to connect. Your employer has an interest in ensuring that employees remain engaged – request that you be allowed network time – make it sound like a win/win solution which is exactly what it is . Employee engagement is an employer responsibility and employees are more engaged when they are feeling connected. Evidence shows that it also leads to increased in productivity.
Find networks outside of your place of work - connect with other trade organizations to see if the women want to get together to form a social network. If you’re a member of the Carpenter’s Union, call up other unions and ask them to connect you with like minded women – you may be surprised at the similarities in your stories. If there is a local trades school in the area, form a network of women who are taking trades training.
I know what you’re thinking – it takes a special set of skills to network, negotiate and ask for what you want. Developing these forms of communication will serve you well and build your confidence – leaders are great communicators – stretch yourself. Isolation can often be a choice as well as a risk factor. Take steps to ensure you don’t allow yourself to fall into the trap.
I feel so isolated here but I can’t really give up my job – the money is too good.”
Isolation is a terrible thing and it can lead to all kinds of problems in the workplace. Isolation can even impact our mental health and cause you to disengage. To promote your own well-being, it is essential that you take steps to ensure that you remain connected. We all need a support system in life. If your employer does not seemed concerned, you can take control of your situation.
There is always the option of connecting with like minded men. Don’t assume that they’re “all alike” – that’s stereotyping. Some of my greatest supporters in life have been like minded men. As a dirt bike enthusiast, I shared a common bond with my male counterparts as we came together to share in the fun of our sport. Hobbies in common are often referred to as the great leveler – a passion for something removes barriers to communication. Biking is a great example, people from all walks of life share that passion – learn to connect based on common interests.
You may not feel you have a lot in common with the women who work in more traditional roles in the office but if you’re a mom – that shared interest gives you a common footing for a wonderful conversation and maybe a friendship. Differences become less obvious when we find something in common. Regardless of our profession, we share common challenges and dreams as parents – connect with other parents to build relationships in the workplace.
If you work on a large work site, chances are that there are women around from other trades who are feeling isolated also. Seek them out and find creative ways to connect. Your employer has an interest in ensuring that employees remain engaged – request that you be allowed network time – make it sound like a win/win solution which is exactly what it is . Employee engagement is an employer responsibility and employees are more engaged when they are feeling connected. Evidence shows that it also leads to increased in productivity.
Find networks outside of your place of work - connect with other trade organizations to see if the women want to get together to form a social network. If you’re a member of the Carpenter’s Union, call up other unions and ask them to connect you with like minded women – you may be surprised at the similarities in your stories. If there is a local trades school in the area, form a network of women who are taking trades training.
I know what you’re thinking – it takes a special set of skills to network, negotiate and ask for what you want. Developing these forms of communication will serve you well and build your confidence – leaders are great communicators – stretch yourself. Isolation can often be a choice as well as a risk factor. Take steps to ensure you don’t allow yourself to fall into the trap.
19 May 2012
Overcoming Obstacles
Whenever I start to hang my head in front of failure’s face,
my downward fall is broken by the memory of a race.
A children’s race, young boys, young men; how I remember well,
excitement sure, but also fear, it wasn’t hard to tell.
They all lined up so full of hope, each thought to win that race
or tie for first, or if not that, at least take second place.
Their parents watched from off the side, each cheering for their son,
and each boy hoped to show his folks that he would be the one.
The whistle blew and off they flew, like chariots of fire,
to win, to be the hero there, was each young boy’s desire.
One boy in particular, whose dad was in the crowd,
was running in the lead and thought “My dad will be so proud.”
But as he speeded down the field and crossed a shallow dip,
the little boy who thought he’d win, lost his step and slipped.
Trying hard to catch himself, his arms flew everyplace,
and midst the laughter of the crowd he fell flat on his face.
As he fell, his hope fell too; he couldn’t win it now.
Humiliated, he just wished to disappear somehow.
But as he fell his dad stood up and showed his anxious face,
which to the boy so clearly said, “Get up and win that race!”
He quickly rose, no damage done, behind a bit that’s all,
and ran with all his mind and might to make up for his fall.
So anxious to restore himself, to catch up and to win,
his mind went faster than his legs. He slipped and fell again.
He wished that he had quit before with only one disgrace.
“I’m hopeless as a runner now, I shouldn’t try to race.”
But through the laughing crowd he searched and found his father’s face
with a steady look that said again, “Get up and win that race!”
So he jumped up to try again, ten yards behind the last.
“If I’m to gain those yards,” he thought, “I’ve got to run real fast!”
Exceeding everything he had, he regained eight, then ten…
but trying hard to catch the lead, he slipped and fell again.
Defeat! He lay there silently. A tear dropped from his eye.
“There’s no sense running anymore! Three strikes I’m out! Why try?
I’ve lost, so what’s the use?” he thought. “I’ll live with my disgrace.”
But then he thought about his dad, who soon he’d have to face.
“Get up,” an echo sounded low, “you haven’t lost at all,
for all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.
Get up!” the echo urged him on, “Get up and take your place!
You were not meant for failure here! Get up and win that race!”
So, up he rose to run once more, refusing to forfeit,
and he resolved that win or lose, at least he wouldn’t quit.
So far behind the others now, the most he’d ever been,
still he gave it all he had and ran like he could win.
Three times he’d fallen stumbling, three times he rose again.
Too far behind to hope to win, he still ran to the end.
They cheered another boy who crossed the line and won first place,
head high and proud and happy — no falling, no disgrace.
But, when the fallen youngster crossed the line, in last place,
the crowd gave him a greater cheer for finishing the race.
And even though he came in last with head bowed low, unproud,
you would have thought he’d won the race, to listen to the crowd.
And to his dad he sadly said, “I didn’t do so well.”
“To me, you won,” his father said. “You rose each time you fell.”
And now when things seem dark and bleak and difficult to face,
the memory of that little boy helps me in my own race.
For all of life is like that race, with ups and downs and all.
And all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.
And when depression and despair shout loudly in my face,
another voice within me says, “Get up and win that race!”
Attributed to Dr. D.H. Grohberg
One of the biggest challenges that we may face is getting back up after a fall or setback. I have had slips and falls – losing my military career because of vision loss, losing my driver’s license, a failed marriage have all been setbacks in my life. Quitting Law School was certainly not one of my proudest moments – but I am grateful that each time I fell – there was a face in the crowd encouraging me to “get up and win that race”. Not many of us are at the front of the pack, accepting the accolades in life – it is more than likely that we are like that boy. It can be tough at times to rise each time we fall – but life demands nothing less from the indomitable spirit.
my downward fall is broken by the memory of a race.
A children’s race, young boys, young men; how I remember well,
excitement sure, but also fear, it wasn’t hard to tell.
They all lined up so full of hope, each thought to win that race
or tie for first, or if not that, at least take second place.
Their parents watched from off the side, each cheering for their son,
and each boy hoped to show his folks that he would be the one.
The whistle blew and off they flew, like chariots of fire,
to win, to be the hero there, was each young boy’s desire.
One boy in particular, whose dad was in the crowd,
was running in the lead and thought “My dad will be so proud.”
But as he speeded down the field and crossed a shallow dip,
the little boy who thought he’d win, lost his step and slipped.
Trying hard to catch himself, his arms flew everyplace,
and midst the laughter of the crowd he fell flat on his face.
As he fell, his hope fell too; he couldn’t win it now.
Humiliated, he just wished to disappear somehow.
But as he fell his dad stood up and showed his anxious face,
which to the boy so clearly said, “Get up and win that race!”
He quickly rose, no damage done, behind a bit that’s all,
and ran with all his mind and might to make up for his fall.
So anxious to restore himself, to catch up and to win,
his mind went faster than his legs. He slipped and fell again.
He wished that he had quit before with only one disgrace.
“I’m hopeless as a runner now, I shouldn’t try to race.”
But through the laughing crowd he searched and found his father’s face
with a steady look that said again, “Get up and win that race!”
So he jumped up to try again, ten yards behind the last.
“If I’m to gain those yards,” he thought, “I’ve got to run real fast!”
Exceeding everything he had, he regained eight, then ten…
but trying hard to catch the lead, he slipped and fell again.
Defeat! He lay there silently. A tear dropped from his eye.
“There’s no sense running anymore! Three strikes I’m out! Why try?
I’ve lost, so what’s the use?” he thought. “I’ll live with my disgrace.”
But then he thought about his dad, who soon he’d have to face.
“Get up,” an echo sounded low, “you haven’t lost at all,
for all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.
Get up!” the echo urged him on, “Get up and take your place!
You were not meant for failure here! Get up and win that race!”
So, up he rose to run once more, refusing to forfeit,
and he resolved that win or lose, at least he wouldn’t quit.
So far behind the others now, the most he’d ever been,
still he gave it all he had and ran like he could win.
Three times he’d fallen stumbling, three times he rose again.
Too far behind to hope to win, he still ran to the end.
They cheered another boy who crossed the line and won first place,
head high and proud and happy — no falling, no disgrace.
But, when the fallen youngster crossed the line, in last place,
the crowd gave him a greater cheer for finishing the race.
And even though he came in last with head bowed low, unproud,
you would have thought he’d won the race, to listen to the crowd.
And to his dad he sadly said, “I didn’t do so well.”
“To me, you won,” his father said. “You rose each time you fell.”
And now when things seem dark and bleak and difficult to face,
the memory of that little boy helps me in my own race.
For all of life is like that race, with ups and downs and all.
And all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.
And when depression and despair shout loudly in my face,
another voice within me says, “Get up and win that race!”
Attributed to Dr. D.H. Grohberg
One of the biggest challenges that we may face is getting back up after a fall or setback. I have had slips and falls – losing my military career because of vision loss, losing my driver’s license, a failed marriage have all been setbacks in my life. Quitting Law School was certainly not one of my proudest moments – but I am grateful that each time I fell – there was a face in the crowd encouraging me to “get up and win that race”. Not many of us are at the front of the pack, accepting the accolades in life – it is more than likely that we are like that boy. It can be tough at times to rise each time we fall – but life demands nothing less from the indomitable spirit.
9 May 2012
Let’s not talk policy…
CCWESTT Conference 2012 – great conference, great people, wonderful information and networking opportunities. All good stuff, except…ok, I have a thing about more policy talk. Personally, I’m sick of policies. I think that since WWII, we’ve probably hammered out enough policy to advance the position of women in every area of society – why is it then that it seems that we’re regressing as a nation when it comes to the position of our women in comparison with other countries – could it be that we need to move away from the policy table to putting money where our mouth is?
As I sat there listening to another diatribe on a new policy that was needed, I couldn’t help but wonder how many manhours (forgive my political incorrectness ladies) were we expending talking about this again. Where would that money have been better spent? How many women would have remained in the profession if those same dollars were directed toward embedded supports that produce results? Just sayin…….let’s move away from policies for a moment and move into the real meat of it all – practices on the ground, where the rubber hits the road.
This is Canada for God’s sake – one of the most advanced capitalist societies – and we’re hung up on policy talk – it’s time for the hammer to land on all and any abuses. It’s time to acknowledge that women do not get a fair shake in industry. It’s time to acknowledge that real supports on the ground are the order of the day.
The business case for diversity is airtight. It’s time for real action – let’s move it, move it, move it.
As I sat there listening to another diatribe on a new policy that was needed, I couldn’t help but wonder how many manhours (forgive my political incorrectness ladies) were we expending talking about this again. Where would that money have been better spent? How many women would have remained in the profession if those same dollars were directed toward embedded supports that produce results? Just sayin…….let’s move away from policies for a moment and move into the real meat of it all – practices on the ground, where the rubber hits the road.
This is Canada for God’s sake – one of the most advanced capitalist societies – and we’re hung up on policy talk – it’s time for the hammer to land on all and any abuses. It’s time to acknowledge that women do not get a fair shake in industry. It’s time to acknowledge that real supports on the ground are the order of the day.
The business case for diversity is airtight. It’s time for real action – let’s move it, move it, move it.
19 April 2012
Giving the world a piece of my mind.
Women in Non-Traditional Roles
In 2011, I gave my maiden speech at the Women’s Worlds Conference in Ottawa called “A Run for the Glass”. It was a wonderful experience where women from all corners of the earth came together to celebrate and deliberate strategies to ensure that women continue to make progress around the world. It was an honour and a privilege to be there included in this event.
In two weeks, Halifax is hosting the 2012 CCWESTT Conference (Canadian Coalition of Women in Engineering, Science, Trades and Technology) with over 300 hundred delegates expected to attend. Once again, I have the privilege of being not only an Honorary Board Member but I will be presenting a workshop that I have designed called “Surviving an Adverse Environment.”
I’ve been journeying a lifetime - from rural NL to Law School and points in between. I’ve journeyed as a mechanic in the army. I’ve journeyed with good people and people who were not so good. On that journey, I’ve learned a lesson or two – where the rubber hits the road and often the hard way. I’ll share those lessons at the CCWESTT Conference.
As part of three diversity initiatives, I’ve learned that threshold diversity is like throwing a rabbit to the wolves if there are no embedded supports. The logic model of change management is a great tool for organizational change in commercial construction and unionized work. Self awareness and how we undermine ourselves need to be understood if women want to become leaders in industry.
I hope to see you there – it’s not too late to register. Go to the website and come along and meet 300 other delegates from across Canada who are committed to ensuring that courageous women who decide to do it their own way have all the tools they need to maximize their potential.
You will be inspired.
Debbie Adams
Diversity Strategist
PeopleCan Consulting
www.peoplecan.ca
http://ccwestt2012.ca/
In 2011, I gave my maiden speech at the Women’s Worlds Conference in Ottawa called “A Run for the Glass”. It was a wonderful experience where women from all corners of the earth came together to celebrate and deliberate strategies to ensure that women continue to make progress around the world. It was an honour and a privilege to be there included in this event.
In two weeks, Halifax is hosting the 2012 CCWESTT Conference (Canadian Coalition of Women in Engineering, Science, Trades and Technology) with over 300 hundred delegates expected to attend. Once again, I have the privilege of being not only an Honorary Board Member but I will be presenting a workshop that I have designed called “Surviving an Adverse Environment.”
I’ve been journeying a lifetime - from rural NL to Law School and points in between. I’ve journeyed as a mechanic in the army. I’ve journeyed with good people and people who were not so good. On that journey, I’ve learned a lesson or two – where the rubber hits the road and often the hard way. I’ll share those lessons at the CCWESTT Conference.
As part of three diversity initiatives, I’ve learned that threshold diversity is like throwing a rabbit to the wolves if there are no embedded supports. The logic model of change management is a great tool for organizational change in commercial construction and unionized work. Self awareness and how we undermine ourselves need to be understood if women want to become leaders in industry.
I hope to see you there – it’s not too late to register. Go to the website and come along and meet 300 other delegates from across Canada who are committed to ensuring that courageous women who decide to do it their own way have all the tools they need to maximize their potential.
You will be inspired.
Debbie Adams
Diversity Strategist
PeopleCan Consulting
www.peoplecan.ca
http://ccwestt2012.ca/
11 April 2012
Inspiring Sea Change - Women Networking
Inspiring Sea Change - Moving Forward Together
From May 3 - 5th, women from all across the country will come together to share information, learn from and support one another.
CCWESTT (the Canadian Coalition of Women in Engineering, Science, Trades and Technology) had its beginnings in 1987. Since then it has evolved as a network of member organizations from coast to coast to coast in Canada. CCWESTT promotes the full participation and advancement of Canadian women in science, engineering, trades and technology
What a wonderful opportunity to meet women from across the country who are working to ensure that we are always moving forward in work that we love to do. Often we have learned from women who have learned the hard way - we can celebrate these women and their successes during this time. There is a wonderful opportunity for women to "Talk Trades". Looking forward to connecting with the sisters.
Check out the programming at:
See you there.
16 February 2012
There's a trick to that - let me show you.....
Have you ever heard the words that are music to every tradeswoman's ears....
"There's a trick to that - let me show you."
Many years ago on the Saskatchewan prairie, (back when we walked 8 miles to Tims to get coffee in a snowstorm) I was installing a fuel pump in an army truck. It was a bit of a task, a real son of a b... to get off but I'd managed in spite of the cold. I cleaned up the area, put on a new gasket and slipped the arm into the hole.
But....it wouldn't go. It seemed that the arm was too long. I measured it against the old pump and they appeared to be the same. I was baffled - but being stubborn, I tried again and again. If you've ever looked at tradespeople they often make faces when they're concentrating hard and I have no doubt that I looked a little like Popeye at that moment. In those days, I would have stepped back, had a smoke and tried again. I suppose I thought that whatever was in the way would magically dissolve if I took a break.
My father taught me that every problem could be solved with a bigger hammer. I considered giving it a bit of a tap - maybe with the rubber mallet - surely it can't hurt. But I knew better. I was baffled. I got my flashlight to looked into the hole. I couldn't see anything foreign just steel which was to be expected. I was perplexed - I had another smoke and adjusted myself. Leaning in over a fender produces wedgies now and again.
Being a typical tradeswoman and not wanting to admit that I couldn't do it, I decided it was a manufacturers defect in the new pump. Now I couldn't detect the defect but I knew it "instinctively" like we tend to when we don't know something. After all precision parts only need to be off by a hair to not fit. Right??
Then I heard it, those words that are music to your ears.
"There's a trick to that - let me show you."
My buddy, my mentor, my hero was standing behind me with his weather beaten face and more patience than a saint. Move over he says with a chuckle and a wink. "I'll show ya."
My own little Macgyver - took a hacksaw blade out of my toolbox and bent it about 3 inches back from the end. He slipped it into the hole first and gave it a little jiggle. Then He put the fuel pump arm in under the blade and as it slid home, he pulled the blade out.
It was magical.
"Sometimes" says he, "the pushrod slips down when you take the pump out and you have to lift her up a bit to slide the arm in. Then he showed me the tapered edge on the arm that was designed with this in mind. I immediately regretted all my "intuition" about factory defects.
Me being me and glad that I didn't have to mess with it again said, "Wowwwwww, thanks dude and I gave him a hug."
And then he did the unthinkable......he pulled it all out and said the words of a great mentor and teacher,
"Now you try it."
Words to live by. "There's a trick to that." You know you've arrived when you hear those words.
Apprenticing is all about being included in the knowledge and the masters really do have the "tricks of the trade". As women we have not always been able to access that wisdom - wisdom that can only come about by doing instead of book learning. Some of us have been more fortunate than others. My sister and I have been very blessed. When we are asked about what we do to fit in, we always tell people,
"There's a trick to that, let me show you."
"There's a trick to that - let me show you."
Many years ago on the Saskatchewan prairie, (back when we walked 8 miles to Tims to get coffee in a snowstorm) I was installing a fuel pump in an army truck. It was a bit of a task, a real son of a b... to get off but I'd managed in spite of the cold. I cleaned up the area, put on a new gasket and slipped the arm into the hole.
But....it wouldn't go. It seemed that the arm was too long. I measured it against the old pump and they appeared to be the same. I was baffled - but being stubborn, I tried again and again. If you've ever looked at tradespeople they often make faces when they're concentrating hard and I have no doubt that I looked a little like Popeye at that moment. In those days, I would have stepped back, had a smoke and tried again. I suppose I thought that whatever was in the way would magically dissolve if I took a break.
My father taught me that every problem could be solved with a bigger hammer. I considered giving it a bit of a tap - maybe with the rubber mallet - surely it can't hurt. But I knew better. I was baffled. I got my flashlight to looked into the hole. I couldn't see anything foreign just steel which was to be expected. I was perplexed - I had another smoke and adjusted myself. Leaning in over a fender produces wedgies now and again.
Being a typical tradeswoman and not wanting to admit that I couldn't do it, I decided it was a manufacturers defect in the new pump. Now I couldn't detect the defect but I knew it "instinctively" like we tend to when we don't know something. After all precision parts only need to be off by a hair to not fit. Right??
Then I heard it, those words that are music to your ears.
"There's a trick to that - let me show you."
My buddy, my mentor, my hero was standing behind me with his weather beaten face and more patience than a saint. Move over he says with a chuckle and a wink. "I'll show ya."
My own little Macgyver - took a hacksaw blade out of my toolbox and bent it about 3 inches back from the end. He slipped it into the hole first and gave it a little jiggle. Then He put the fuel pump arm in under the blade and as it slid home, he pulled the blade out.
It was magical.
"Sometimes" says he, "the pushrod slips down when you take the pump out and you have to lift her up a bit to slide the arm in. Then he showed me the tapered edge on the arm that was designed with this in mind. I immediately regretted all my "intuition" about factory defects.
Me being me and glad that I didn't have to mess with it again said, "Wowwwwww, thanks dude and I gave him a hug."
And then he did the unthinkable......he pulled it all out and said the words of a great mentor and teacher,
"Now you try it."
Words to live by. "There's a trick to that." You know you've arrived when you hear those words.
Apprenticing is all about being included in the knowledge and the masters really do have the "tricks of the trade". As women we have not always been able to access that wisdom - wisdom that can only come about by doing instead of book learning. Some of us have been more fortunate than others. My sister and I have been very blessed. When we are asked about what we do to fit in, we always tell people,
"There's a trick to that, let me show you."
14 January 2012
From Surviving to Thriving
When I was growing up in rural Newfoundland and Labrador, most of the women around me were traditional. Let's get one thing straight - when I say traditional, I do not mean to denigrate what they did in any way. The truth was that most of these traditional women were pretty impressive. When you keep in mind that they were married to workers who migrated to other provinces to find work - these women could do almost anything.
It's really good to put this traditional and non-traditional into focus. I like to think of it in terms of a sliding scale. We have traditional on one end and we have non-traditional on the other. We might be traditional if we were doing the care work in the home - looking after everyone's needs and raising children. But at those times when we were feeding sheep, stowing wood, fixing the roof, plastering the hole in the wall or splitting wood, we were non-traditional in comparison to some of our more traditional sisters.
I prefer to look at traditional and not traditional as a sliding scale of sorts - not as two absolute positions. As a young lady, I had all of these women who were pretty non-traditional on the home front but they did not work in the non-traditional world. Let's save the discussion for the paid/unpaid for another day. If I were to put a dot on the sliding scale today, I'd be more non-traditional. I'm the sole breadwinner. I am the head of the household. I'm a journeyed mechanic and I am a leader. I am also a women - hear me roar!!!!! I have moved along that scale at different times in my life. We can do that on a scale.
I chose a non-traditional career - I joined the Army and became a mechanic. It was unheard of where I came from but the reality was - I didn't look at myself as doing anything ground breaking. I was surviving. Going on to higher education is often not a major concern when your basic needs are challenged - I needed to make a living and I wanted adventure. So off I went to join the Army. The attraction was the same that it is today for those of us who did not come from privilege. "They paid for your education and they gave you a job." At that particular time, they were recruiting women in trades. Voila - I'm a tradeswoman. I was also a great fit.
Let's look at this being a good fit or having an aptitude for the work for a moment - women who grow up in homes where their male family members worked outside the home in commercial construction are often well suited to the trades. It's not rocket science.
This is not accidental. Anyone who has spent a minute in our homes knows that when our men are not working - they're talking about work. So I always say to my sistah's "We may not have the practical experience when we start in the trades but we have all the theory." We may not be part of the conversations but we're certainly learning a thing or two. We're especially learning the "language of industry". So when there are initiatives that recruit from our neck of the woods, generally speaking they're getting a woman who has done a lot of the Orientation already. Funny how that works - eh boy??
There's more to learn of course and that's what I like teaching - the psychology of transitioning from a woman in trades to a trades woman. There is a transition that takes place in how you look at yourself and it impacts your relationships in the workplace. It impacts your relationships with other women who are often somewhere else on this sliding scale.
Real success in the trades comes not only from being great at your job but from understanding who you are. It means coming to terms with the feelings of isolation and knowing why you feel the way you do. Real success is much more then strapping on your tool belt ladies - it's about sticking on your thinking cap too. That's the part that I enjoy now - reaching out to the sisters and journeying with them to real leadership in trades.
Oh the joy of self acceptance.....
First Impressions - Lasting and Inaccurate.
Have you ever met someone and knew right away that you did not like them? Have you ever met someone and connected them immediately? I have had both of these things happen to me? What if I asked if you have regretted those decisions after a couple of meetings? Oh come on now, we've all made this mistake on occasion. A rush to judgment that we regretted later.
This week I met with a group of ladies to talk about first impressions. One story that was shared, made the point real well. Laura was waiting to meet a client at a local restaurant. When the client pulled up in her Red Toyota, Laura could feel an instant dislike. Keep in mind here that she had never met the woman face to face but had spoken to her on the phone. They actually connected quite well on the phone. We had spoken often enough about first impressions that Laura knew to hold off on making the judgment.
As a coach, I journey with people to a place of self discovery. After a little probing, she recalled a situation a couple of years back where she had a tangle with a toxic coworker. Guess what colour car that toxic coworker drove....yep, you got it. She had a red Toyota.
Sometimes it serves us well to make a rush decision but there are times when we are wrong - you be the judge but not to quickly....
This week I met with a group of ladies to talk about first impressions. One story that was shared, made the point real well. Laura was waiting to meet a client at a local restaurant. When the client pulled up in her Red Toyota, Laura could feel an instant dislike. Keep in mind here that she had never met the woman face to face but had spoken to her on the phone. They actually connected quite well on the phone. We had spoken often enough about first impressions that Laura knew to hold off on making the judgment.
As a coach, I journey with people to a place of self discovery. After a little probing, she recalled a situation a couple of years back where she had a tangle with a toxic coworker. Guess what colour car that toxic coworker drove....yep, you got it. She had a red Toyota.
The car was a trigger for Laura and it caused her to project all of the dislike from the past experience onto the present experience. When she saw the car, it was a trigger for the situation that had happened a couple of years ago. This caused her to dislike the lady without even waiting to get to know her.
When speaking with my friend Tom the other day he said he worked the other way. He really loved some people after one meeting only to regret it later. Oh yes, it works both ways for sure.
What a shame if we don't recognize our own tendencies to project. What opportunities will we miss out on? What great friendships will we forfeit. Will me make rash decisions that we will regret or get stuck spending time with folks that we don't really enjoy?
The solution is an easy one - wait and see. Don't rush to judgment. Take some time to get to know the person. Acknowledge the tendency to project and to make assumptions. I've been wrong about people often enough now that I take a bit of time before I make a firm decision, when it is practical to do so.
Sometimes it serves us well to make a rush decision but there are times when we are wrong - you be the judge but not to quickly....
7 January 2012
Marketing Me
I drool at the thought of all the work that is coming up the pike in eastern Canada. I wish I was an able bodied woman again and could strap on my tool belt and head out there to join the wave of workers who will be heading into town to make it big. Oh the thought of purchasing my own big ass truck with the latest bells and whistles is almost too much to think about. Back in the day sista, I would have been right there with the best of them.
Now I get to work in an advisory capacity - it's not so shabby, keeps me in the loop. I believe that knowledge is right up there with chocolate when it comes to the trades. If you are a woman who wants to get in the game, there are a couple of things you need to know.
I'll start from when you graduate from college because you're not going to listen to me about buckling down at college - you may regret the partying and skipping class. But for those of you who are listening - get a great education now because the learning environment gets a lot tougher where the rubber hits the road. Be a sponge in the classroom and read up on the women who are doing well - they maximize their own potential.
Get a trade - the days are long gone when people got hired without any formal training. The industry is very technical and you need as much information as you can get. Put your nose to the grind at Community College because marketing is going to be tough. Landing that job will take perseverence and creativity.
Be a great communicator - people don't understand that communication is a learned skill. The more you do it the better off you will be. You may be saying right now - I can communicate, I use my Blackberry. There's a time and a place for your texting but I mean functional communication - the kind you will need in the trades.
Let me put this into perspective. When you go looking for a job, competition will be tough. Let's say that two ladies show up at the same time. One has all As on her transcript from her course. The other as Bs and Cs. Guess who gets the job.....the one that can communicate best. The one that can articulate best. The one that make them laugh and knows her stuff. In this game, you learn on the job and those who fit in well get the opportunities for learning. That may be unfair but it's the way things are.
Imagine you're on the site and you notice a hazard that you need to alert your fellow workers about. You don't get to text that message with multiple recipients - you get to holler so that they get their attention. When you go out into the world and want to land the client, you have to have the savvy to be able to communicate with them in a fashion that is professional and courteous. Then there is the biggie - you're going to own your own business someday - that means you'll need some pretty great communication skills. Start now - when you're young and you'll impress everyone. It will give you an edge over those who are also looking. I learned all that I need to know about communicating from Toastmasters - find a local club.
Join the union - I can't stress this enough. Join the union. Go to meetings. Use your newly acquired skills. Volunteer to do some tasks. Be around the men, learn from them, listen to them. Their communication style may seem harsh at first but it's the way the culture is. Don't let it intimidate you - there are a lot of teddy bears under that tough exterior. Know that - you'll get used to being around the culture. Big jobs are unionized and they make lots of money there - if you're interested in commercial construction, join the union and keep current on your dues.
Visit job sites and enquire about work. Now this might seem kind of intimidating. But if you're not working anyhow, you have time on your hands. Maybe you can't be hired but you can hang around and get used to the culture. Speak to women workers - even the flagsperson can tell you a lot about the culture and the rules of the game.
The real leaders in life learn to do things in the downtime that give them an edge when things are going well. Do you spend your unemployed time complaining or are you taking advantage of free learning that is available in the community. I know where I would be.
Don't show up with an attitude that you're going to change the world. Yes, there are things wrong with the industry but you don't reveal your hand too early. There are ways to do things right and showing up with an agenda is not a way to get ahead. There's a process to fitting in at work.
If you're an older worker who has taken up the profession lately - after the best are hired, the woman who is low maintenance is hired. She is the woman who fits in with the men. She has a great personality. Personality is a learned characteristic. Study people with great personality - what do they do. Try and be like them. People with a bad attitude wear it on their sleeve for the world to see. Do what it takes to become a positive person. There's nothing worse than a wet rag.
People ask me - how many times do I call the union to try and get hired. I say call once a week if you know that they're hiring. Drop in from time to time to let them see your face. The reality is that when a job comes up and you happen to be there - you're the person who is hired. Become known. You may say to yourself - that takes a lots of guts. Well, personally I think that you're up to the task. When you chose a career in the trades, you demonstrated that you had lots of guts. If you wanted an easier transition you could have taken esthetics....traditional work with different hurdles. No disrespect to the profession - I love my gel nails for special events.
I can't stress enough how important it is to join the union. I just met 6 ladies who graduated last year and only two joined the union. Guess what folks, those other four just created a new hurdle - getting known and getting in the loop. Join the union and take the free courses that are being held there.
The truth is this - the time is ripe for women entering the trades - they need people. You have to be a bit assertive to get there. Learn how to be assertive by practicing. If you get it wrong, try again. It's an exciting venture....good luck in your journey.
Now I get to work in an advisory capacity - it's not so shabby, keeps me in the loop. I believe that knowledge is right up there with chocolate when it comes to the trades. If you are a woman who wants to get in the game, there are a couple of things you need to know.
I'll start from when you graduate from college because you're not going to listen to me about buckling down at college - you may regret the partying and skipping class. But for those of you who are listening - get a great education now because the learning environment gets a lot tougher where the rubber hits the road. Be a sponge in the classroom and read up on the women who are doing well - they maximize their own potential.
Get a trade - the days are long gone when people got hired without any formal training. The industry is very technical and you need as much information as you can get. Put your nose to the grind at Community College because marketing is going to be tough. Landing that job will take perseverence and creativity.
Be a great communicator - people don't understand that communication is a learned skill. The more you do it the better off you will be. You may be saying right now - I can communicate, I use my Blackberry. There's a time and a place for your texting but I mean functional communication - the kind you will need in the trades.
Let me put this into perspective. When you go looking for a job, competition will be tough. Let's say that two ladies show up at the same time. One has all As on her transcript from her course. The other as Bs and Cs. Guess who gets the job.....the one that can communicate best. The one that can articulate best. The one that make them laugh and knows her stuff. In this game, you learn on the job and those who fit in well get the opportunities for learning. That may be unfair but it's the way things are.
Imagine you're on the site and you notice a hazard that you need to alert your fellow workers about. You don't get to text that message with multiple recipients - you get to holler so that they get their attention. When you go out into the world and want to land the client, you have to have the savvy to be able to communicate with them in a fashion that is professional and courteous. Then there is the biggie - you're going to own your own business someday - that means you'll need some pretty great communication skills. Start now - when you're young and you'll impress everyone. It will give you an edge over those who are also looking. I learned all that I need to know about communicating from Toastmasters - find a local club.
Join the union - I can't stress this enough. Join the union. Go to meetings. Use your newly acquired skills. Volunteer to do some tasks. Be around the men, learn from them, listen to them. Their communication style may seem harsh at first but it's the way the culture is. Don't let it intimidate you - there are a lot of teddy bears under that tough exterior. Know that - you'll get used to being around the culture. Big jobs are unionized and they make lots of money there - if you're interested in commercial construction, join the union and keep current on your dues.
Visit job sites and enquire about work. Now this might seem kind of intimidating. But if you're not working anyhow, you have time on your hands. Maybe you can't be hired but you can hang around and get used to the culture. Speak to women workers - even the flagsperson can tell you a lot about the culture and the rules of the game.
The real leaders in life learn to do things in the downtime that give them an edge when things are going well. Do you spend your unemployed time complaining or are you taking advantage of free learning that is available in the community. I know where I would be.
Don't show up with an attitude that you're going to change the world. Yes, there are things wrong with the industry but you don't reveal your hand too early. There are ways to do things right and showing up with an agenda is not a way to get ahead. There's a process to fitting in at work.
If you're an older worker who has taken up the profession lately - after the best are hired, the woman who is low maintenance is hired. She is the woman who fits in with the men. She has a great personality. Personality is a learned characteristic. Study people with great personality - what do they do. Try and be like them. People with a bad attitude wear it on their sleeve for the world to see. Do what it takes to become a positive person. There's nothing worse than a wet rag.
People ask me - how many times do I call the union to try and get hired. I say call once a week if you know that they're hiring. Drop in from time to time to let them see your face. The reality is that when a job comes up and you happen to be there - you're the person who is hired. Become known. You may say to yourself - that takes a lots of guts. Well, personally I think that you're up to the task. When you chose a career in the trades, you demonstrated that you had lots of guts. If you wanted an easier transition you could have taken esthetics....traditional work with different hurdles. No disrespect to the profession - I love my gel nails for special events.
I can't stress enough how important it is to join the union. I just met 6 ladies who graduated last year and only two joined the union. Guess what folks, those other four just created a new hurdle - getting known and getting in the loop. Join the union and take the free courses that are being held there.
The truth is this - the time is ripe for women entering the trades - they need people. You have to be a bit assertive to get there. Learn how to be assertive by practicing. If you get it wrong, try again. It's an exciting venture....good luck in your journey.
14 December 2011
male or female; masculine or feminine
Whenever I hear the phrase "the advancement of women in trades", I cringe just a little. But I appreciate that we need phrases like this to define who the organization is and what it is that they do. I believe the term is outdated and oversimplified but I continue to use it because it is simple. The reality is that I work for the advancement of the trades so that we can be meet the demands of a changing world. It really is time to have a conversation about sex, gender, and culture so that we can design programs that work for today's market.
I always enjoy telling the story of the trades. It was designed for men by men to serve the needs of that homogeneous group. Women have attempted more recently to make inroads but with limited success. Let's put this into context in our day to day lives. In my tradition, born of centuries of Newfoundland women, the woman is in charge of the care work and the cooking work and so the kitchen is designed with her in mind. I don't know about you but if you move my spices around, I might get a little irritated. We don't like change. I respect that there are men who enjoy the care work and the kitchen but traditionally it's been a woman's domain (at least from where I sit).
Sex is easy to define - if you've got the right junk, you know that you're a man or a woman with a few variations that are becoming more mainstream today. But for the ease of discussion, let's keep it at the level of male/female. I give respect to anyone who does not identify as either and appreciate your journey.
Historically, there have been men in the trades who were not of the "macho" style but they assimilated because being yourself and different than the dominant group is a challenge for people. It takes work to swim against the current and sometimes it's easier to throw in the towel. In the industry, the term men has has been narrowly defined to mean "macho" but the industry is changing and that definition is changing - it is not so narrowly defined anymore because other voices are gaining momentum and they will not be stifled.
The point is that defining people is challenging regardless of whether you are a man or a woman. GI Joe and Barbie don't quite capture my notion of what it means to be either in the modern context.
Gender on the other hand is a more complex set of characteristics. The term that is used is MASCULINE AND FEMININE. Look at the list below to see what they meant.
MASCULINE
rational
resolute
competitive
assertive
domination oriented
calculating
restrained
physical
aggressive
detached
FEMININE
emotional
flexible/fickle
cooperative
compliant
relationship oriented
instinctive
expressive
verbal
passive
caring
These lists are not inclusive nor are they negative or positive. The masculine characteristics were often said to be seen in men and the feminine characteristics were often said to be seen in women. There is also a nature/nurture debate that begs the question of whether we are born this way or our environments shape us. Regardless of who wins, the reality is that we are more diverse as people. But are we as different as people might want to convince us?
If you are like many of us - you may say (maybe not out loud) that you fall into the other category. I know that I have tendencies that are more masculine than feminine. I know some remarkable men and emerging leaders who gladly accept that they have traits that are more feminine.
Let's treat gender like a spectrum with the masculine qualities on the left and the feminine on the right - now I will pose the question - Which gender are you? Don't peak at your vagina or penis - pretend that you are blind to your sex. Who are you really?
With this information, is it plain to see that being a woman is much more complicated than we at first thought?
So when we design programs that are intended to advance women's participation in non-traditional places, we need to ask a different question. What kind of woman are you? What kind of organization are you entering - what kind of men are there?
The word culture is another factor that shapes how we think about ourselves - often the culture does not support a distinction based on gender but only based on sex. It's important that we know about culture.
We are moving away from assimilation to a model of accommodation where we must ask the tough questions.
Are you masculine or feminine?
Is the culture one that supports gender diversity?
What supports does the organization need to adapt to a changing world?
We can't unlearn what we know about the world - it's impossible.
When people ask what it is that I do - I say I'm a Diversity Strategist who works for the advancment of the trades. The issue is larger than a woman's issue? The dialogue has changed and so the solutions must also change.
I always enjoy telling the story of the trades. It was designed for men by men to serve the needs of that homogeneous group. Women have attempted more recently to make inroads but with limited success. Let's put this into context in our day to day lives. In my tradition, born of centuries of Newfoundland women, the woman is in charge of the care work and the cooking work and so the kitchen is designed with her in mind. I don't know about you but if you move my spices around, I might get a little irritated. We don't like change. I respect that there are men who enjoy the care work and the kitchen but traditionally it's been a woman's domain (at least from where I sit).
Sex is easy to define - if you've got the right junk, you know that you're a man or a woman with a few variations that are becoming more mainstream today. But for the ease of discussion, let's keep it at the level of male/female. I give respect to anyone who does not identify as either and appreciate your journey.
Historically, there have been men in the trades who were not of the "macho" style but they assimilated because being yourself and different than the dominant group is a challenge for people. It takes work to swim against the current and sometimes it's easier to throw in the towel. In the industry, the term men has has been narrowly defined to mean "macho" but the industry is changing and that definition is changing - it is not so narrowly defined anymore because other voices are gaining momentum and they will not be stifled.
The point is that defining people is challenging regardless of whether you are a man or a woman. GI Joe and Barbie don't quite capture my notion of what it means to be either in the modern context.
Gender on the other hand is a more complex set of characteristics. The term that is used is MASCULINE AND FEMININE. Look at the list below to see what they meant.
MASCULINE
rational
resolute
competitive
assertive
domination oriented
calculating
restrained
physical
aggressive
detached
FEMININE
emotional
flexible/fickle
cooperative
compliant
relationship oriented
instinctive
expressive
verbal
passive
caring
These lists are not inclusive nor are they negative or positive. The masculine characteristics were often said to be seen in men and the feminine characteristics were often said to be seen in women. There is also a nature/nurture debate that begs the question of whether we are born this way or our environments shape us. Regardless of who wins, the reality is that we are more diverse as people. But are we as different as people might want to convince us?
If you are like many of us - you may say (maybe not out loud) that you fall into the other category. I know that I have tendencies that are more masculine than feminine. I know some remarkable men and emerging leaders who gladly accept that they have traits that are more feminine.
Let's treat gender like a spectrum with the masculine qualities on the left and the feminine on the right - now I will pose the question - Which gender are you? Don't peak at your vagina or penis - pretend that you are blind to your sex. Who are you really?
With this information, is it plain to see that being a woman is much more complicated than we at first thought?
So when we design programs that are intended to advance women's participation in non-traditional places, we need to ask a different question. What kind of woman are you? What kind of organization are you entering - what kind of men are there?
The word culture is another factor that shapes how we think about ourselves - often the culture does not support a distinction based on gender but only based on sex. It's important that we know about culture.
We are moving away from assimilation to a model of accommodation where we must ask the tough questions.
Are you masculine or feminine?
Is the culture one that supports gender diversity?
What supports does the organization need to adapt to a changing world?
We can't unlearn what we know about the world - it's impossible.
When people ask what it is that I do - I say I'm a Diversity Strategist who works for the advancment of the trades. The issue is larger than a woman's issue? The dialogue has changed and so the solutions must also change.
15 November 2011
The Pointy end of Diversity
There's a popular saying about "going where no man has gone before" and it's always resonated with me because I've enjoyed going where no one like me has gone before and it hasn't always been easy.
Boldly stepping outside the prescribed places that society, people, and myself have thought I should occupy, I learned so much about the world. I learned that I am a survivor. I get broken and bruised and smashed around a bit on occasion but at the end of the day I dust off, stand up, try again. It's called living.
Disheveled Debbie - that's me. I've learned most of what I've learned about diversity as part of diversity initiatives. I like to refer to it as the "pointy end" of diversity. I was a mechanic in the military without a role model. I worked in many jobs where I was the first woman to take on that role and sometimes I surprised myself as much as I surprised others.
Disability doesn't stop me as I push the limits of what that means for a person. I went to law school and learned very important lessons the hard way. I thought it would do me in. But in true spirit, I picked myself up and one day I said - where's the lesson - what can I tell others about stepping out and going where no woman, no single mom, no rural Newfoundlander from a family without privilege has gone before. I'm able to do that - bring those lessons to others who may want to step out. They don't need to reinvent the wheel although adults love learning from doing. Maybe an ounce of prevention will be a pound of cure.
My new book - with a temporary title about the "pointy end of diversity" is all about sharing those lessons. I'm going to traditionally publish it and self publish at the same time. I've started speaking about the chapters and informing others about diversity and courage. I love the direction my career is taking me and I am also inspired by other people's response to what I do.
Stay tuned for some of those stories as I travel through this next leg and thanks for your support.
Boldly stepping outside the prescribed places that society, people, and myself have thought I should occupy, I learned so much about the world. I learned that I am a survivor. I get broken and bruised and smashed around a bit on occasion but at the end of the day I dust off, stand up, try again. It's called living.
Disheveled Debbie - that's me. I've learned most of what I've learned about diversity as part of diversity initiatives. I like to refer to it as the "pointy end" of diversity. I was a mechanic in the military without a role model. I worked in many jobs where I was the first woman to take on that role and sometimes I surprised myself as much as I surprised others.
Disability doesn't stop me as I push the limits of what that means for a person. I went to law school and learned very important lessons the hard way. I thought it would do me in. But in true spirit, I picked myself up and one day I said - where's the lesson - what can I tell others about stepping out and going where no woman, no single mom, no rural Newfoundlander from a family without privilege has gone before. I'm able to do that - bring those lessons to others who may want to step out. They don't need to reinvent the wheel although adults love learning from doing. Maybe an ounce of prevention will be a pound of cure.
My new book - with a temporary title about the "pointy end of diversity" is all about sharing those lessons. I'm going to traditionally publish it and self publish at the same time. I've started speaking about the chapters and informing others about diversity and courage. I love the direction my career is taking me and I am also inspired by other people's response to what I do.
Stay tuned for some of those stories as I travel through this next leg and thanks for your support.
26 August 2011
Envy
Have you ever felt envy? Envy is not a very nice feeling to have. Envy is a resentful or unhappy feeling of wanting what somebody else has – their success, their good fortune, qualities or possessions.
We’ve all had periods in our lives when things aren’t going as well as we would like them to. For some of us, we might have several areas where this might be happening. I know that I have wished at times that I had the life that other people have had. It’s quite normal to feel this way – we must be careful however that we don’t let envy take over our lives and drag us into a painful pit.
Take a coin out of your pocket and look at it – on one side is heads and on the other is tails. Think of envy in terms of the coin. Picture envy as one side of the coin and love as the other side. You know that a coin only sits on one side at a time and if that side is the side of envy, the side of love is blocked. But fear not, there is hope – learn to move away from envy and toward love.
STEP 1 – ACKNOWLEDGE THE PROBLEM
The first step is to acknowledge envy – don’t judge it. I’ve found that when I acknowledge that I have a problem, change is just around the corner. It’s what happens next that really defines who you are.
If you were raised in a family where your needs were not met, you may feel envious of your friends who appeared to have better lives. Maybe you look at other families and see them as loving and kind because of the things that they do. You may envy the fact that their friends dad shows up at their soccer games while you not only have to go alone but also have to find a ride. Maybe they have wonderful holiday get togethers while in your house things are less stable. This is often the case where there is a lot of alcohol abuse for example and it is made even worse if money that could be used for food is used to support a drinking habit. You might be envious of the family that seems to be more stable.
I spoke with a child recently who was envious of her best friend who had often taken vacations to Disney and other exciting places and she had never had a vacation in her life. In cases like this, we can see why people engage in envy. The list of things to be envious about is endless and can go on forever –your reasons are unique to you.
Acknowledge that you’re envious.
STEP 2 – TIME TO GET DIGGING
You’ve acknowledged that you’re envious and realize that you recognize that it is not serving you well and you are ready to stop. Like most change – it takes work, but this is work that will produce such positive results that you’ll be glad to do the work. I like to use a gardening analogy.
The Sumac tree is a tree in Nova Scotia that is a lovely piece of foliage and it is best planted at the edge of your property because it has a massive route system and tends to take over the garden. I had a Sumac tree growing in my front lawn very near my front door and it was unsightly. It had not been cared for and the roots were travelling very near the surface with small shoots every couple of feet. I decided to take it out.
When I started, the job was a lot more difficult than I thought. Every time I thought I had it all pulled out, another little plant would sprout up 20 feet from the original tree. I’d start again pulling it out.
Clearing envy out of your life is like taking out the Sumac – it takes work and you may not realize how deep or broad the envy has spread in your life. But after a bit, you see the progress and there are less and less instances of it. Keep acknowledging the envy, don’t judge and then pull it out.
STEP 3: START PLANTING AGAIN
“Nature abhors a vacuum.” I removed those roots, had to replace it with rich soil and grass seed while tending to and nurturing the new growth of healthy lawn. Envy is the same – you take it out, remove it from your life and replace it with love. Love is easy and involves caring for yourself and others in balance.
Look at the blessings in your own life that you may have overlooked while you were in envy mode – you may not have material possessions but there is so much richness in our lives that has nothing to do with materialism. Are you a good friend? Do you bring joy to others? Is your sense of humour bringing happiness into someone’s life. Don’t under estimate the riches you already have.
Envy is a poison that needs to be removed and replaced with healing, nurturing love. Take the time to acknowledge it, remove it and replace it with life giving love. You won’t be sorry.
We’ve all had periods in our lives when things aren’t going as well as we would like them to. For some of us, we might have several areas where this might be happening. I know that I have wished at times that I had the life that other people have had. It’s quite normal to feel this way – we must be careful however that we don’t let envy take over our lives and drag us into a painful pit.
Take a coin out of your pocket and look at it – on one side is heads and on the other is tails. Think of envy in terms of the coin. Picture envy as one side of the coin and love as the other side. You know that a coin only sits on one side at a time and if that side is the side of envy, the side of love is blocked. But fear not, there is hope – learn to move away from envy and toward love.
STEP 1 – ACKNOWLEDGE THE PROBLEM
The first step is to acknowledge envy – don’t judge it. I’ve found that when I acknowledge that I have a problem, change is just around the corner. It’s what happens next that really defines who you are.
If you were raised in a family where your needs were not met, you may feel envious of your friends who appeared to have better lives. Maybe you look at other families and see them as loving and kind because of the things that they do. You may envy the fact that their friends dad shows up at their soccer games while you not only have to go alone but also have to find a ride. Maybe they have wonderful holiday get togethers while in your house things are less stable. This is often the case where there is a lot of alcohol abuse for example and it is made even worse if money that could be used for food is used to support a drinking habit. You might be envious of the family that seems to be more stable.
I spoke with a child recently who was envious of her best friend who had often taken vacations to Disney and other exciting places and she had never had a vacation in her life. In cases like this, we can see why people engage in envy. The list of things to be envious about is endless and can go on forever –your reasons are unique to you.
Acknowledge that you’re envious.
STEP 2 – TIME TO GET DIGGING
You’ve acknowledged that you’re envious and realize that you recognize that it is not serving you well and you are ready to stop. Like most change – it takes work, but this is work that will produce such positive results that you’ll be glad to do the work. I like to use a gardening analogy.
The Sumac tree is a tree in Nova Scotia that is a lovely piece of foliage and it is best planted at the edge of your property because it has a massive route system and tends to take over the garden. I had a Sumac tree growing in my front lawn very near my front door and it was unsightly. It had not been cared for and the roots were travelling very near the surface with small shoots every couple of feet. I decided to take it out.
When I started, the job was a lot more difficult than I thought. Every time I thought I had it all pulled out, another little plant would sprout up 20 feet from the original tree. I’d start again pulling it out.
Clearing envy out of your life is like taking out the Sumac – it takes work and you may not realize how deep or broad the envy has spread in your life. But after a bit, you see the progress and there are less and less instances of it. Keep acknowledging the envy, don’t judge and then pull it out.
STEP 3: START PLANTING AGAIN
“Nature abhors a vacuum.” I removed those roots, had to replace it with rich soil and grass seed while tending to and nurturing the new growth of healthy lawn. Envy is the same – you take it out, remove it from your life and replace it with love. Love is easy and involves caring for yourself and others in balance.
Look at the blessings in your own life that you may have overlooked while you were in envy mode – you may not have material possessions but there is so much richness in our lives that has nothing to do with materialism. Are you a good friend? Do you bring joy to others? Is your sense of humour bringing happiness into someone’s life. Don’t under estimate the riches you already have.
Envy is a poison that needs to be removed and replaced with healing, nurturing love. Take the time to acknowledge it, remove it and replace it with life giving love. You won’t be sorry.
18 August 2011
Promoting Women
The big news in our family is that my sister, Brenda, the first and only woman cement finisher in the Bricklayers and Allied Craftworkers Union in Newfoundland was hired to work at the Long Harbour site. That in and of itself is a wonderful thing. Add to this the fact that she has been promoted to foreperson within a short timeframe and we have reason to celebrate.
This past week - the local union president along with the International president came onsite to meet her face to face and did a photoshoot while they were there. They could not confirm it but they speculated that there may not have been a woman foreperson in the BAC in Canada. If there has been - I stand corrected.
Promotions of this variety may be well received by some but not so much by others. There are people who will say that she is only a "token" and that she didn't get promoted on her own merit - I beg to differ. My sister is a fantastic people manager and well suited to the role of foreperson - she has a tremendous amount of respect for people from all walks of life and she knows her job. Just like any other person, male or female when they step into leadership positions, she will face challenges. But like all other workers, she can lean on her colleagues and co-workers to fill in gaps. That's the sign of a great leader - she doesn't need to know everything, she needs to maximize her resources.
To those who might want to be skeptical about her ability - my advice to Brenda and women in general is this "Choose to tune them out."
They will have very little impact on your life and you're wasting precious energy if you worry about what others might think. You have made history in NL. It's a big task and I already see you growing into your new role. You never cease to amaze me and like a lot of women - you're coming into your own and beginning a new journey. When others are winding down, you're just winding up. You're a fabulous role model for the girls out there who wonder if they can do it. Way to go gal.
This past week - the local union president along with the International president came onsite to meet her face to face and did a photoshoot while they were there. They could not confirm it but they speculated that there may not have been a woman foreperson in the BAC in Canada. If there has been - I stand corrected.
Promotions of this variety may be well received by some but not so much by others. There are people who will say that she is only a "token" and that she didn't get promoted on her own merit - I beg to differ. My sister is a fantastic people manager and well suited to the role of foreperson - she has a tremendous amount of respect for people from all walks of life and she knows her job. Just like any other person, male or female when they step into leadership positions, she will face challenges. But like all other workers, she can lean on her colleagues and co-workers to fill in gaps. That's the sign of a great leader - she doesn't need to know everything, she needs to maximize her resources.
To those who might want to be skeptical about her ability - my advice to Brenda and women in general is this "Choose to tune them out."
They will have very little impact on your life and you're wasting precious energy if you worry about what others might think. You have made history in NL. It's a big task and I already see you growing into your new role. You never cease to amaze me and like a lot of women - you're coming into your own and beginning a new journey. When others are winding down, you're just winding up. You're a fabulous role model for the girls out there who wonder if they can do it. Way to go gal.
16 August 2011
Managing Setbacks
One of the best lessons that I have had to learn in life is that setbacks are temporary - not only are they temporary, they can also come with valuable lessons. It is a tough lesson to learn and one that you will find very valuable. Setbacks are not the end of the journey in life even though people, myself included, may want to give up when you encounter one. They are temporary and if we can learn to manage a setback well - we can still achieve our goals and live a full and rewarding life.
The law of attraction states that your thoughts are powerful and they determine what you acomplish in life. We many all recall the story of the little engine who said "I think I can, I think I can." Even as children we were being taught that our mind is a powerful tool. Setbacks can produce negative thinking patterns and these are what interferes with our progress - not the setback itself but how we think about the setback.
A very clear example concerns losing weight - I've set a goal to lose 50 lbs in 2 years. I had a bit of a setback recently where I lost my motivation for a week or so. In past, I would have taken this slip from the wagon as evidence that I "don't have what it takes." or that "I'm never going to lose weight." or any number of excuses that would have lead me to quit the journey.
But in my role as lifecoach, I often tell people what I needed to tell myself - this was a setback, not the end of the road. I can get back up, learn from the setback, and move forward again. I know the steps to take to get back on course.
First, understand that setbacks are a normal part of the journey. The journey is not a linear path from A to Z. It is more like a series of advances and retreats and tweeking to get where you want to go. Setbacks often come with valuable lessons in life. Many a successful busines people have had to re-evaluate the path they were taking because of unforseen obstacles. Setbacks are normal.
Secondly, realize that setbacks are temporary and don't let your mind convince you otherwise. They're not here to stay - the cycle of life is always changing. If you start to let yourself believe that you "always" run into obstacles or that you are "never" going to achieve your goal - you run the risk of believing that you are helpless. I have first hand experience with this one - I can remember after I lost my drivers' license through vision loss - I had convinced myself that I "would never be happy again." That was a falsehood brought on by fear. This type of absolute thinking can lead to disaster and derail you permanently.
Finally, seek out resources to get you beyond stuck. If you're not moving forward, you may need help. Maybe a lifecoach or counsellor can help you to reflect upon your thought patterns and actions to see where it is that you're not working in your best interest.
Setbacks are a normal part of life. What we do with them makes the difference between success and stagnation - take charge of your life and take the necessary steps to ensure that you continue to move forward. Enjoy the journey...
The law of attraction states that your thoughts are powerful and they determine what you acomplish in life. We many all recall the story of the little engine who said "I think I can, I think I can." Even as children we were being taught that our mind is a powerful tool. Setbacks can produce negative thinking patterns and these are what interferes with our progress - not the setback itself but how we think about the setback.
A very clear example concerns losing weight - I've set a goal to lose 50 lbs in 2 years. I had a bit of a setback recently where I lost my motivation for a week or so. In past, I would have taken this slip from the wagon as evidence that I "don't have what it takes." or that "I'm never going to lose weight." or any number of excuses that would have lead me to quit the journey.
But in my role as lifecoach, I often tell people what I needed to tell myself - this was a setback, not the end of the road. I can get back up, learn from the setback, and move forward again. I know the steps to take to get back on course.
First, understand that setbacks are a normal part of the journey. The journey is not a linear path from A to Z. It is more like a series of advances and retreats and tweeking to get where you want to go. Setbacks often come with valuable lessons in life. Many a successful busines people have had to re-evaluate the path they were taking because of unforseen obstacles. Setbacks are normal.
Secondly, realize that setbacks are temporary and don't let your mind convince you otherwise. They're not here to stay - the cycle of life is always changing. If you start to let yourself believe that you "always" run into obstacles or that you are "never" going to achieve your goal - you run the risk of believing that you are helpless. I have first hand experience with this one - I can remember after I lost my drivers' license through vision loss - I had convinced myself that I "would never be happy again." That was a falsehood brought on by fear. This type of absolute thinking can lead to disaster and derail you permanently.
Finally, seek out resources to get you beyond stuck. If you're not moving forward, you may need help. Maybe a lifecoach or counsellor can help you to reflect upon your thought patterns and actions to see where it is that you're not working in your best interest.
Setbacks are a normal part of life. What we do with them makes the difference between success and stagnation - take charge of your life and take the necessary steps to ensure that you continue to move forward. Enjoy the journey...
8 August 2011
The Vision Board
We bring about what we think about - that's what the Law of Attraction tells us. We all know that controlling what we think about is challenging on occasion especially when we have something that is bothering us. The Law of Attraction may be easy to understand but not so simple to put into practice. Anyone who has ever worried about how something negative is going to turn out will tell you how tough it is not to worry. But that is exactly what we need to do if we want it to turn out well.
That is why affirmations and other techniques are beneficial. They help us to remain focused on where it is we want to end up. The vision board is one of those wonderful tools that we can use in our lives to remain focused. A vision board is really a collection of images and phrases that serve to remind us of what life will look like when our dream comes true.
I did a workshop recently with a group of 5 people where we used the techniques described in Joyce Schwarz' book "The Vision Board: The Secret to An Extraordinary Life." There was much to be gained by doing the board in a group setting - it allowed us to talk about and fine tune our goals. The clearer the goal is the better. Sharing our goal with other supportive people helped us to develop some passion and feeling around what we were undertaking.
Thoughts, feelings and actions are what determines where we are headed. The vision board process allows us to get clear images, share positive feelings and plan a strategy to get where we need to be.
I display my vision board in a place where I am reminded often and I always feel good when I look at it. That feel good feeling is what we are striving for. It's the feel good feeling that will help us to achieve - the thought alone won't do it. It's the passion and feeling that you have for your future that will help it to become a reality.
Try a vision board, they're simple, affordable and fun to do in a group.
That is why affirmations and other techniques are beneficial. They help us to remain focused on where it is we want to end up. The vision board is one of those wonderful tools that we can use in our lives to remain focused. A vision board is really a collection of images and phrases that serve to remind us of what life will look like when our dream comes true.
I did a workshop recently with a group of 5 people where we used the techniques described in Joyce Schwarz' book "The Vision Board: The Secret to An Extraordinary Life." There was much to be gained by doing the board in a group setting - it allowed us to talk about and fine tune our goals. The clearer the goal is the better. Sharing our goal with other supportive people helped us to develop some passion and feeling around what we were undertaking.
Thoughts, feelings and actions are what determines where we are headed. The vision board process allows us to get clear images, share positive feelings and plan a strategy to get where we need to be.
I display my vision board in a place where I am reminded often and I always feel good when I look at it. That feel good feeling is what we are striving for. It's the feel good feeling that will help us to achieve - the thought alone won't do it. It's the passion and feeling that you have for your future that will help it to become a reality.
Try a vision board, they're simple, affordable and fun to do in a group.
3 August 2011
Losing your driver's license.
A gentleman contacted me today because he had lost his license because of Macula Degeneration (an eye disorder) and he wanted to know how I adjusted to that loss. I was in my early 30s when I lost my license. He said that I made it look easy and I didn't seem to worry about it. He thought that I didn't seem to suffer much because of not driving.
I was reminded that we can never tell what is going on inside a person by looking at them. It was not an easy transition for me at all. It still has a negative impact on my life.
We expect that as part of the aging process, we will lose our ability to drive. This is almost a normal transition in aging. When you lose your ability to drive early in your career, it has much larger implications in my opinion.
Vision loss cost me my career and it is the gift that keeps on giving because it still gets in the way of the life that I want to live. I have made choices that I would never have made had I still been driving.
I was not a casual driver - I was, like this gentleman, a person who loved to drive and who depended on driving for entertainment purposes. Being a single mom without a driver's license has meant that my daughter could not have the life that her friends had. We never had the freedom of spontaneous travel and running to the store to pick up something was not a luxury we enjoyed. Our lifestyle was greatly compromised without a car. I will add that many people have no car but we had a car and we knew what it was to lose that luxury or some might say necessity in this day and age. My quality of life is not at the level that it would be if I drove. I didn't tell him all of that - he was not ready for that yet. It would come in time.
It may look like I don't mind on the outside but on the inside it is a continuing battle to adjust. Loss of any type requires that we go through a grieving process - the same as we would with the loss of a loved one. Losing your license is often trivialized until you have to go through it yourself. There isn't an area that is not impacted by my inability to drive.
So I told this gentleman that he has to make a choice to be ok with the new life but that he doesn't have to rush. Learn to grieve and that means embracing what is being lost. This man was an active man who operated machinery and drove a motor home - he won't have the same ability and choices - sugar coating it won't help anyone. But he has to come to terms with the new reality and when he accepts himself for who he is now, he will start to see that there are options in life that will bring him joy again. This won't happen overnight - it is a process that is more like the waves that come in the ocean - sometimes gentle and other times ferocious.
I've heard it said that it takes 2 years to transition to a new place and I think that is right. When we don't get the help we need, we end up in places that can add to our grief. I would advise him to take advantage of programs like CNIB Adjustment to Vision Loss, professional counselling and connecting with others who have gone through the same thing.
Family members and close friends need to be educated on the impact of vision loss so that they can appreciate the transition and know what needs to be done to help him through the tough period.
Losing the ability to drive is nasty - but there is a world without it once we learn to accept ourselves.
I was reminded that we can never tell what is going on inside a person by looking at them. It was not an easy transition for me at all. It still has a negative impact on my life.
We expect that as part of the aging process, we will lose our ability to drive. This is almost a normal transition in aging. When you lose your ability to drive early in your career, it has much larger implications in my opinion.
Vision loss cost me my career and it is the gift that keeps on giving because it still gets in the way of the life that I want to live. I have made choices that I would never have made had I still been driving.
I was not a casual driver - I was, like this gentleman, a person who loved to drive and who depended on driving for entertainment purposes. Being a single mom without a driver's license has meant that my daughter could not have the life that her friends had. We never had the freedom of spontaneous travel and running to the store to pick up something was not a luxury we enjoyed. Our lifestyle was greatly compromised without a car. I will add that many people have no car but we had a car and we knew what it was to lose that luxury or some might say necessity in this day and age. My quality of life is not at the level that it would be if I drove. I didn't tell him all of that - he was not ready for that yet. It would come in time.
It may look like I don't mind on the outside but on the inside it is a continuing battle to adjust. Loss of any type requires that we go through a grieving process - the same as we would with the loss of a loved one. Losing your license is often trivialized until you have to go through it yourself. There isn't an area that is not impacted by my inability to drive.
So I told this gentleman that he has to make a choice to be ok with the new life but that he doesn't have to rush. Learn to grieve and that means embracing what is being lost. This man was an active man who operated machinery and drove a motor home - he won't have the same ability and choices - sugar coating it won't help anyone. But he has to come to terms with the new reality and when he accepts himself for who he is now, he will start to see that there are options in life that will bring him joy again. This won't happen overnight - it is a process that is more like the waves that come in the ocean - sometimes gentle and other times ferocious.
I've heard it said that it takes 2 years to transition to a new place and I think that is right. When we don't get the help we need, we end up in places that can add to our grief. I would advise him to take advantage of programs like CNIB Adjustment to Vision Loss, professional counselling and connecting with others who have gone through the same thing.
Family members and close friends need to be educated on the impact of vision loss so that they can appreciate the transition and know what needs to be done to help him through the tough period.
Losing the ability to drive is nasty - but there is a world without it once we learn to accept ourselves.
1 August 2011
Roots and Wings
My daughter is getting ready to head out on her summer vacation, a vacation that her and her 3 BFFs planned without the help of parents - a sign that we have done a real great job of raising our children or that we have lost our minds. They had a few snags along the way and as parents we marveled at how they stepped up and problem solved. I know that I was real proud of how these girls managed to get the logistics looked after.
Someone once said to me "If we raise our children well, we work ourselves out of a job." I found that quite profound, thought provoking and very true. I cherish my daughter and being a mom has been a rewarding and sometimes trying experience. I have always felt that my role in her life was to help her to grow into an independent adult who could look out for her own needs. This past year, I've seen her blossom into an amazing young woman who is willing to try new things and who has established wonderful relationships in her life. She has also become more comfortable speaking out about something that she disagrees with and I see in that the forming of values that will serve her well in life. I enjoy this because in my own generation children were not encouraged to think critically and challenge authority.
I think that like most parents we want our children to make good choices. We may also want to share some of our wisdom with them in the hope that their lives can be a little bit easier than ours was. On that note, every time I try and teach my daughter a lesson through my own experiences, I am humbled. I learned in my Adult Education training that we learn by doing and not by listening and I've seen that in my own life and I see it in my daughter. Children may take all that we say as gospel and internalize it (or not) but when they reach a certain age, they really do have the capacity to do it on their own. My daughter will learn now from her own experiences, trials and tribulations.
My advice to her is to take risk but be prepared before she does so. I encourage her to not live a sheltered life because I think that we grow by stepping out of our comfort zones. Get out there and engage in life. There is no end to learning in life so take every opportunity to do so. Remain broad minded and have conversations with people that you might never normally speak with. Be fascinated and curious about everything - that's living. When you fall down, get up and continue on in life and always remember - that mama is here for you. Nothing you can do can ever break that bond.
To all of you parents out there who see that day coming when the apron strings will need to be cut - remember this. Our children are not put here to keep us company. We give them roots and then give them wings. Hugz
Someone once said to me "If we raise our children well, we work ourselves out of a job." I found that quite profound, thought provoking and very true. I cherish my daughter and being a mom has been a rewarding and sometimes trying experience. I have always felt that my role in her life was to help her to grow into an independent adult who could look out for her own needs. This past year, I've seen her blossom into an amazing young woman who is willing to try new things and who has established wonderful relationships in her life. She has also become more comfortable speaking out about something that she disagrees with and I see in that the forming of values that will serve her well in life. I enjoy this because in my own generation children were not encouraged to think critically and challenge authority.
I think that like most parents we want our children to make good choices. We may also want to share some of our wisdom with them in the hope that their lives can be a little bit easier than ours was. On that note, every time I try and teach my daughter a lesson through my own experiences, I am humbled. I learned in my Adult Education training that we learn by doing and not by listening and I've seen that in my own life and I see it in my daughter. Children may take all that we say as gospel and internalize it (or not) but when they reach a certain age, they really do have the capacity to do it on their own. My daughter will learn now from her own experiences, trials and tribulations.
My advice to her is to take risk but be prepared before she does so. I encourage her to not live a sheltered life because I think that we grow by stepping out of our comfort zones. Get out there and engage in life. There is no end to learning in life so take every opportunity to do so. Remain broad minded and have conversations with people that you might never normally speak with. Be fascinated and curious about everything - that's living. When you fall down, get up and continue on in life and always remember - that mama is here for you. Nothing you can do can ever break that bond.
To all of you parents out there who see that day coming when the apron strings will need to be cut - remember this. Our children are not put here to keep us company. We give them roots and then give them wings. Hugz
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