Is shame holding you back?

The vantage point changes with time. I would call 2006 a traumatic year. It was the year I was charged with Intellectual Dishonesty at Law School, the year I lost my voice and couldn't self advocate and it was the year I asked myself the big question "Who am I?"

When I would recall that event over the next few years I would cringe. A mixture of shame and disappointment in the early days were quickly replaced with something of value. The disaster became the springboard for a new direction in life.

Shame was replaced with understanding what came before, the role of various actors and my own inability to process a disability that I had not come to terms with.

We can get stuck in these places. If a past event is nipping you in the rear, here's what worked for me.

1. Share your story with someone who will help you to process. It can be a coach or a counsellor. Believe me, processing helps to put past disappointments into perspective.

2. Surround yourself with imperfect people - they will love you in spite of.

3. Forgive yourself, the others involved. Find a way to make that happen - grudges hold you back.

Live the life you're given without regret.

Play and Have Fun in the Middle of a Crapstorm

Creativity requires us to be positive and to create some pretty awesome and optimistic energy.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that but it isn't easy to remain positive when everything around you is going to crap. Have you ever had one of those 3 year runs of bad luck? It's around then that you start to think that the law of attraction has a flaw? N'est-ce pas? Well - if what you're doing is not working so well why not try something different?

Here are my top 3 tips for remaining focused especially when you're in the eye of a crapstorm. 

1. Avoid negativity. That includes the people who can get you into full on gossip mode. When things go wrong you're vulnerable to all kinds of trolls. Have you heard of "a shoe in the door" as a psychological concept? In sales it refers to selling something small and then up selling something larger. But in negative thinking, it works like this. You complain a little bit today. After all it makes you feel good to be part of the group. Next thing you know your house is the meeting place for every naysayer around. Don't start - you need those creative juices cloaked in positivity. There's no benefit in negativity even if it does make you feel good for a minute. 

2. Seek out 10 people that you know who are resourceful Ask them to give you half hour of their time. Tell them what your problem is and ask if they have some suggestions for how you might tackle it. Sometimes in the middle of a crap storm we get a little emotional. We may not think straight. Likely, these folks can help you to remain objective and see light where you may not. 

3. Play. Yes, you heard it here first. Get away from all the worry and grief and put yourself out there. Seek out an organization that needs volunteers and get involved. It will not only increase your network but it has other benefits. It gets your mind off your troubles which frees up space for the universe to deliver solutions. It increases your network of peeps which is always good and you will have fun and when you have fun you feel good. Feeling good is what is needed right now.

Your problems will still be there when you get back - let them go for a minute. 

Get Your Ass Around That Corner

We have all seen this pic - we only need to see the next turn in the road, right? That all sounds lovely on camera but the reality is, we are scared spitless to take that turn. Most of us spend far too long waiting for some poor guy to come back and tell us what is going to greet us when we get around that turn. 

The truth is, most folks are so afraid to make the turn that they justify it with "better a devil you know than one you don't".  I know this because for a long time that's what I would do.

What I've learned is that the status quo gets your nowhere. What's around the corner is exactly what you need to move forward. There may be any number of corners. I'd be more concerned that you're stuck looking at the same landscape all your life and missing the bigger picture called living. 

So get up there and get your ass around that turn. It's amazing. 

The Middle Passage - Answering the Call

It was one of those months where people show up in your life because the encounter is supposed to happen. Some may say it's hocus pocus but I happen to believe that there is so much about life we do not understand.

As a woman who has questioned her sanity a time or two, heard the call for change, took the leap and got a toehold on the other side, I love looking back to holler at the sisters and brothers who are faced with what James Hollis refers to as the middle passage. Change can be so frightening but the reality is, it can also be rather fantastic.

Here's a few tips I learned on the journey and we've only just begun:

1. Letting go is key. This time of flux can make us question our own sanity. Part of the reason is because we love to be in control of our lives and change is all about letting go. But we have to freefall a bit to get to that new place. Let go!
2. You will make new friends. There are benefits and burdens associated with all change. Not everyone will support your decision to change or like the new you. You will make new friends and your old friends will have their own transition. The ones that are important will be with you in the new life. This change is natural. You're not supposed to hold on so tight that you can't grow. So let go!!
3. You will amaze yourself. You can do so much more than you ever imagined. We grow across our lifespans. Once you stop fearing change and actually embrace it as a necessary part of life, your life will be amazing again. So let go!!!

No matter what put you in this situation, know this - only you can take you to the next level.

Grateful for this? Really???

My friend Renee recently gave me a beautiful gratitude journal and I treasure that gift. Truth is, she was as excited about giving me the gift as I was about receiving it. Gratitude at times like this is a fairly easy practice.

But what about those times when life isn't going so great? Let's say your life is a mess at the moment? Can you feel gratitude when you're in the middle of a real crapstorm?

Your child tells you she hates you. You're on your way to sign bankruptcy  papers and you are going to be couch surfing because truth be told you can't afford to get your own place right now.

Gratitude is no warm and fussy matter. It is an essential ingredient to creating a better life even in the middle of all of the mess that we sometimes need to call living.

Here are a few tips that worked for me when the days were dim. Hope they work for you.

1. Suspend your disbelief. Sit with pen and paper and take a moment before writing to acknowledge that you are not feeling very grateful right now but you are going to suspend your disbelief for the duration of your writing.

2. Mine for gold. In the midst of my own turmoil,the cat making it too the litter box was often the only thing that I could find to write about.  If being grateful puts you in the right mindset, humour greases the wheels a little. Look around you, there are things going well in your world.

3. Keep at it. Don't give up the practice just because it appears that things are not going well. Like most new tasks, you get better by doing.


Don't give up before the miracle happens. I'm grateful for you.

In your Loudest Voice, Say "NO"

Do you ever look back on choices that you have made in the past and ask, “How did I end up here?” I know you may not want to hear it, but the truth is that we end up in places where we don’t want to be because we made choices.

Do you look back sometimes and think that if you had to do it again, you would run? Maybe ditched him at the altar, said “Not a chance” and hightailed it out of Dodge. Sometimes when we are so far along a road, we struggle to say no - even when we know we should. What will others think? How will I explain my change of heart?

Here’s what I think: say no when you know that you ought to say no. I did that this week when I made a decision to walk away from a lease negotiation that really wasn’t working in my favour. When I first thought, “I can’t say yes to this,” I got the 'cringe'. Oh no, what will everyone think? What will the other party think? But then a newer, stronger voice boomed inside my head, “What is in Debbie’s best interest?” And I walked away from the negotiation. It was in my best interest to do so.

What a relief. Out a few bucks, no big deal. It could have been a lot worse to make a decision that wasn’t working for me. I wish I had the same amount of courage back in the day. What are you saying yes to when a no would be the best response?